& the bill. . .
Likely it was a private study by a company wanting to sell
anti-pooting drugs. . .
There are a few creatures that never have those "audio tests of their solid waste disposal systems" -- mostly mollusks & fleas.
Their fibre, for regularity, comes from hair & bones.
Well, you can use it to track your calories & sodium intake m, to see where a problem may be occurring -- ifyou're eating that little,
obesity shouldn't be an issue. . .
I get the Buddig packs whenever they go on sale for $1 or 99c & get a bunch of corned beef for myself. My family prefers the chicken or turkey.
Been getting the Ziggy's sliced meats more regularly, as it's a good
deal & the slices are proper, to me, sandwich thickness (like balogna, instead of deli sliced).
I put 2 little Buddig slices on my sandwich & can't even taste it(I
like loys of yellow mustard -- turmeric is a nice antioxidant. My
kids put the whole 55g(2oz?) pack into a sandwich & use miracle whip.
Hey, she was the boss, right?
My son has a contact rash to blueberries -- if he eats them,. he's
fine, but if he smears them on his face (like when eating a triple
thick blueberry danish too enthusiastically) he breaks out in an awful rash. . .
You like spam? You can have mine. Give me your email, so I cam set up a forward for all email I get with a blank sender or not addressed to
only me.
Works for me! I begin eating breakfast early, takes the edge off. . .
Q: Where do veggies go after they get off the airplane? A: To Cabbage Claim!
Q: How did John and Yoko get their son to eat his veggies? A: "Sean,
all we are saying is give peas a chance."
Orange you glad I came up with these grape and un-beet-able puns? Cauliflower (call a flower) shop. In celebration! It's just bananas,
and will drive you coco and nuts!
The meme I liked was where this guy is confronted by "The Grim Reaper"
on the street. He tells the poor soul "that fancy expensive item you had ordered was delivered to your home while your wife was at work, and she signed for it. Do you want to go home and face the music, or just come
with me now??". <G>
Actually, with inflation, it;s more like $119!Or as Jerry Reed's song "Lord, Mister Ford", noted...
"Well, I figured it up, and over a period of time, this $4000 car of
mine cost $14,000 and 99 cents". <G>
There's a name fron 40 years ago! I remember him -- whatever happenedI don't know...but he was originally from Russia, and he emigrated to the
to him?
US. He had a show in Branson, at his own theatre...and it was all G-rated entertainment.
I have a nice set of the Comedy Central Roasts -- they're my fave. AI'm sure there are several on YouTube. It reminds me of a deal known
new genre out now: Roast Battles.
There's the US, UK, & Canadian TV series.
as "The Curse Exchange".
That's how I first saw & fell in love with Sarah Tiana (southern girlNever heard of her.
-- not all sugar & spice, but the most adorable little cheeks!)
It's simple: in the olden daze, the nobility (corporate CEOs in today'sI'm sorry I asked. :P
world) taxed the heck out of people's hard work, to ensure a constant
flow of their production into their own treasuries. Those who refused,
were executed as examples to the rest.
Now they want you to buy whatever crap they've dreamed up for the sameWhy does the saying "Don't lie, cheat, and steal!! The government hates competition!!" come to mind??
purpose, because now only the government can tax you (& it's slower
getting your money that way, for the modern nobility)
I am reminded from the deal on "The Fat Bible", where mankind basically listened to Satan, and gorged himself with all the high fat and high cholesterol foods. The last 3 lines went like this:
And, man went into cardiac arrest.
And, God created quadruple bypass surgery.
And, Satan created HMO's. <G>
"It's a photo of my wife," he answered, "I came in here to get drunk.Wonder how long it took to get what he wanted.
Soon as she starts looking good, I'm done."
Rule 1: The boss is always right.
Rule 2: Whenever the boss is wrong, refer to Rule 1.
I had Spanish in high school...but I don't know if I ever took it in
college. I can read it, but I can't speak it, as it were.
Non-conformist. <G>
(rolling the R's) "Irish Irus in Dixie". <G>
You don't need a parachute to go skydiving.
You need a parachute to go skydiving AGAIN.
And then there's Maxim 11: Everything is air-droppable at least once.
Not tonight, dear, I have a BBS to logon to. :P
Son: Dad I've finally decided what area I'm going into when i grow up! Dad: Whuich? Son: I've researched my options & Organised Crime seems my best option at providing for your grandchildren. Dad: Organised Crime, eh? Nice. Which kind, government or Mafia?
He got fined heavily & maybe even some jail time for fraud.
I call them barking frogs. As in, "Whoa, there's one of them barking
frogs again."
My most memorable experience was walking through a busy deparmjent
storwe iun '83 with a slightly older dude(I was 17, he might've neen
19). He lets a super ripper explode & without missing a beat, points
to the far corner of the ceiling, & yells, "Geese!"
I nearly fell over, wetting myself from laughing so hard!
& a "boneless chicken" sign in front of the eggs.
Yup. My wife struggles with keeping hers below the RDA. I gave up long ago & don't bother myself even looking
If they had plain roast beef, I'd go for that, but I can only get that
in the Ziggy's 300g packs for $5. I'll buy 3-4 roasted(not smoked) chicken for the fam & 1 roast beef or corned beef for myself!
They didn't say you HAVE a little behind, They said you ARE a lttle
behind (maybe "behind" is a euphemism?)
I absolutely hate people who talk behind my back. They discussed me.
I saw 2 cows staring at me from behind the bush. I think it was a steak out.
Putting a breath freshener behind bars is... In-prison-mint.
A man called Bart walks into a club and the man behind the bar shoots
him. He goes "they don't call me the Bartender for nothing".
I saw where left wing, progressive, firebrand, Alexandria Oscasio-Cortez (AOC), who was partying like there was no tomorrow (and maskless) in Miami, is now at home down with Covid-19. She is one of many with the belief of "Rules For Thee, But Not For Me"...which to me, makes her a hypocritical liar. She had sowed the wind, so she's now reaping the whirlwind...plus, she's double vaccinated and boostered (or so she says)...but it throws cold water all over the deal that "only the unvaccinated are getting Covid-19".
Or, as Rodney Dangerfield noted in "Caddyshack", "somebody step on a
duck??". <G>
& a "boneless chicken" sign in front of the eggs.That, too. The boneless watermelon is on sale this week. <G>
I rarely season my food, but all the processed foods are drowning in it. Whenever my wife and I would order pizza, she would say "I want every anchovy you have in the place"...and I told her "You can have those nasty things".
I'm not a big fan of roast beef, unless it's in a sandwich...like at
Arby's. Speaking of which, they are already serving their "Fish sandwiches for Lent"...so they can pick up the Catholic population during Lent. Places like Arby's and Wendy's, who normally don't serve fish, offer it during this time of year.
Country singer Dolly Parton has a line in the song "Why Didja Come In
Here Lookin' Like That??", talking about a guy with "a little behind"... never mind "a tiny hiney". :P
What folks think of me is none of my business.
There used to be a restaurant locally called Steak-Out. They had the best sirloin beef tips...but they're no longer in central Arkansas.
The mayor asked: "Do you have a blue Mexican?"
Every morning for years, at about 11:30, the telephone operator in a
small Sierra-Nevada town received a call from a man asking the exact time. One day the operator summed up nerve enough to ask him why the regularity. "I'm foreman of the local sawmill," he explained. "Every
day I have to blow the whistle at noon so I call you to get the exact time." The operator giggled, "That's really funny," she said. "All this time we've been setting our clock by your whistle.
Q: What is the slowest & most painful way to die? A: Life.
Q: Why are 0 and 1 the only numbers with genders? A: All the others are non-binary
My new favourite:
Q: What do you get when cross a gun with the female pudenda? A: A
re-vulva
In the UK "tuppence" refers to a small amount of money and is shorthand for a woman's pussy. In the US Trump-Pence involves a lot of money and describes a pair of d*cks. (Mr. Nixon must be proud)
-= 5 =-
At a Long Island house party, a chap invited an attractive girl to go fishing with him on the Sound. After an hour without any luck, he
asked, "Do you think we ought to try chumming?" His companion, a novice
at fishing, looked toward the house on the distant shore, then replied, "We might as well. They can't see us from there." --John C. Miller
RD Issue: July 1957
-= 6 =-
King Charles will not make as many foreign visits as Queen Elizabeth
did.
Because the Queen could go any distance but the King can only move one space at a time.
-= 7 =-
Terrible night. Dreamt something bit me on the neck. Got up to check,
but the mirror wasn't working.
-= 8 =-
In medieval times, people used to attach a lamp to a horse when riding
at night. This is the earliest known form of saddle light navigation.
-= 9 =-
Accidentally drunk a bottle of invisible ink.
I'm now in hospital waiting to be seen.
-= 10 =-
I've just joined a dating group for arsonists.
It's great; they send me new matches every day.
Q: What is the slowest & most painful way to die? A: Life.Life a fatally transmitted disease.
Q: Why are 0 and 1 the only numbers with genders? A: All the others areYour punny days are numbered.
non-binary
My new favourite:Never mind starting from scratch. :P
Q: What do you get when cross a gun with the female pudenda? A: A
re-vulva
In the UK "tuppence" refers to a small amount of money and is shorthandI tell you what.
for a woman's pussy. In the US Trump-Pence involves a lot of money and
describes a pair of d*cks. (Mr. Nixon must be proud)
Because the Queen could go any distance but the King can only move oneCheck, mate. <G>
space at a time.
-= 7 =-Must've been made by ACME.
Terrible night. Dreamt something bit me on the neck. Got up to check,
but the mirror wasn't working.
-= 8 =-Then, the fireflies took it and minaturized it.
In medieval times, people used to attach a lamp to a horse when riding
at night. This is the earliest known form of saddle light navigation.
-= 9 =-It may take awhile either way.
Accidentally drunk a bottle of invisible ink.
I'm now in hospital waiting to be seen.
-= 10 =-Now, we know who's hot stuff.
I've just joined a dating group for arsonists.
It's great; they send me new matches every day.
Life is a lethal STD.
So the Good Book says.
Before the revulva, you had to STUFF IT before you could fire.
Yankee: What?
Southerner: I just TOLD you.
He has a checkered past, some say.
Did they have Acme in the days of Vlad?
Damned Japanese bugs!
The doctor showed up & told the nurse, "I can't see him today."
I always knew -- before vampirism messed up my mirrors!
If you don't believe in laughing, go look in the mirror, and see
what everyone else has been laughing at -- Jerry Clower
... What color is a chameleon in a mirror??[true answer]
If 1 person calls you an ass, ignore him; if 2 call you one, laugh it
off; if 3 call you one, check in the mirror for donkey ears.
If 1 person says you have no sense of humour, ignore them If 2 say you don't, laugh it off. If you can't laugh it off, then they're right.
Q: What do you call it when a chameleon can't change colours? A: a
reptile dysfunction
A chameleon stole an apple once.
It was caught red handed.
I was walking in the jungle and saw a lizard on his hind legs telling
some really excellent jokes. I turned to the local tribesman and said "that lizard is really funny!" The tribesman replied "that's not a lizard... he's a stand up chameleon"
Asked the dermatologist if it's possible to transplant hairy donkey
skin onto a human's head? Ass skin for a friend. . .
Q: What's a dermatologist's favourite legwear? A: SKINny jeans
My body's just ran out of magnesium.
0mg!
"We used to play spin the bottle when I was a kid. A girl would spin
the bottle, and if the bottle pointed to you when it stopped, the girl could either kiss you or give you a nickel. By the time I was 14, I
owned my own house." --Gene Perret, Classic One-Liners RD Issue: June
1997
Q: What's black and white, and red all over?
A: a sunburnt nun with a newspaper, riding a blushing zebra.
The man replied, Yeah, but I rubbed the $50 on the box, and according
to you, that's the same as putting it in!
I was driving drunk last week and ran over a pig, I told my mate and he said not to worry about it, he said shit happens, I said "Oh, that's cool, now what shall I do with his motorbike?"
A chameleon stole an apple once.But, did the apple change color.
It was caught red handed.
I was walking in the jungle and saw a lizard on his hind legs tellingI'll bet his jokes were really colorful.
some really excellent jokes. I turned to the local tribesman and said
"that lizard is really funny!" The tribesman replied "that's not a
lizard... he's a stand up chameleon"
I said to a co-worker once "Feces Occurs". She looked at me with the
deer in the headlights look. When I "translated it", she howled with laughter, and said "I'm going to tell my sister". <G> The next day, I
asked her if there was the same reaction...she grinned, "Yep". :)
But, did the apple change color.
Why? The chameleon changed to match the red apple's colour. . .
I'll bet his jokes were really colorful.
But not off-colour. . .
Q: What's brown & sounds like a bell? A: Dung.
Q: What's green & smells like red paint? A: Green paint.
Q: Why is it spelled "Color" in the US but "Colour" in Britain? A:
Because after the revolutionary war, the freed United States told
Britain defiantly, "We're getting rid of you".
Q: What's green & smells like red paint? A: Green paint.Substitute your favorite color...but, there's not one for plaid. :P
When I worked in silkscreen printing, we had a color chart that had to
be replaced yearly, as the fluorescent lights would discolor it. It was
known as a Pantone Matching System chart...a colorful version of PMS. :P
Q: Why is it spelled "Color" in the US but "Colour" in Britain? A:They talk and spell funny compared to the US. <G>
Because after the revolutionary war, the freed United States told
Britain defiantly, "We're getting rid of you".
Not So useful a colour-matching chart when it no longer was the colour
it was supposed to represent, eh?
They still use the Pantone charts, in some paint stores -- I guess it
was a useful & enduring creation -- although I might trust a computer image better, as it won't discolour over time. . .
Umm, yeah, they somehow, prior to to the existence of the US, botched
the language?
Canada is a funny one; we spell UK, bit pronounce US.
Australia has their own words; whatever looks right after 8 pints of
warm pissy tasting beer is valid & defend to their death anyone's disagreement of your rendition.
Irish English is what you get after getting hammered on Guinness Stout then getting into a dozen bar fights
Fitzhenry & Fitzpatrick were in court, answering to charges of fighting
in a local pub.
The judge asked Fitzpatrick what instigated the fight & he answered, "Well, your honour, he had a broken beer bottle in his left hand, & a knife in his right."
"& what did you have yin your hand?" asked hizzonner
"Mrs. Fitzhenry's tit, & a fine thing it was sir, but not much good in
a fight, I'll tell ya."
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