Welcome to another edition of the Metric Dozen Punnies & Funnies, personally curated by yours truly, the Cyberpope, Bishop of ROM.

Please do comment as to which you loved & which you hated. . .

Also, at any time, let me know if you're done with receiving these. Because you're a mate, I won't even charge you my usual $19.00 cancelation fee! ;)

-= 1 =-
Let's go fishing. . .
https://youtu.be/HR10bEV9uJQ

-= 2 =-
just started reading Agatha Christie's "And Then There Were None" (her favourite of her ouvre); based on the following poem epigraph, that foreshadows the entire novel, one by one. . .

Ten little soldier boys went out to dine; One choked his little self and then there were Nine.

Nine little soldier boys sat up very late; One overslept himself and then there were Eight.

Eight little soldier boys travelling in Devon; One said heÆd stay there and then there were Seven.

Seven little soldier boys chopping up sticks; One chopped himself in halves and then there were Six.

Six little soldier boys playing with a hive; A bumble bee stung one and then there were Five.

Five little soldier boys going in for law; One got into chancery and then there were Four.

Four little soldier boys going out to sea; A red herring swallowed one and then there were Three.

Three little soldier boys walking in the Zoo; A big bear hugged one and then there were Two.

Two little soldier boys sitting in the sun; One got frizzled up and then there was One.

One little soldier boy left all alone; He went and hanged himself

And then there were None.

ùFrank Green, 1869

-= 3 =-
Happy little story tune of the South: https://youtu.be/EJrRwTTqm0o

-= 4 =-
These are great! YouÆll probably remember a bunch of them having seen them live..but itÆs a good refresher!

Remember the ôHollywood Squaresö afternoon live TV show - back in the 50s-
60s. Much humor, no vulgarity, refreshing!!This was a LONG time ago, but somehow still funny.
Even if you don't know who Jackie Gleason was. Hollywood Squares - Those were the days. Hard to believe they did not know the questions beforehand! Squares' game show responses were spontaneous, not scripted.

Q. Paul, what is a good reason for pounding meat? A. Paul Lynde: Loneliness! (The audience laughed so long and hard it took up almost 15 minutes of the show!)

Q. Do female frogs croak?
A. Paul Lynde: If you hold their little heads under water long enough.

Q. If you're going to make a parachute jump, at least how high should you be? A. Charley Weaver: Three days of steady drinking should do it.

Q. True or False, a pea can last as long as 5,000 years... A. George Gobel: Boy, it sure seems that way sometimes.

Q. You've been having trouble going to sleep. Are you probably a man or a woman?
A. Don Knotts: That's what's been keeping me awake.

Q. According to Cosmopolitan, if you meet a stranger at a party and you think that
he is attractive, is it okay to ask him if he's married.
A. Rose Marie: No. Wait until morning.

Q. Which of your five senses tends to diminish as you get older? A. Charley Weaver: My sense of decency.

Q. What are: 'Do It,' 'I Can Help,' and 'I Can't Get Enough'? A. George Gobel: I don't know, but it's coming from the apartment next door.

Q. As you grow older, do you tend to
gesture more or less with your hands while talking?
A. Rose Marie: You ask me one more growing old question, Peter, and I'll give you a gesture you'll never forget.

Q. Paul, why do Hell's Angels wear leather? A. Paul Lynde: Because chiffon wrinkles too easily.

Q. Charley, you've just decided to grow
strawberries. Are you going to get any during the first year?
A. Charley Weaver: Of course not, I'm too busy growing strawberries.

Q. In bowling, what's a perfect score? A. Rose Marie: Ralph, the pin boy.

Q. During a tornado, are you safer in the bedroom or in the closet? A. Rose Marie: Unfortunately Peter, I'm always safe in the bedroom

Q. Can boys join the Camp Fire Girls? A. Marty Allen: Only after lights out.

Q. When you pat a dog on its head he will wag his tail. What will a goose do? A. Paul Lynde: Make him bark?

Q. If you were pregnant for two years, what would you give birth to? A. Paul Lynde: Whatever it is, it would never be afraid of the dark.

Q. According to Ann Landers, is there anything wrong with getting into the habit of kissing a lot of people?
A. Charley Weaver: It got me out of the army.

Q. Back in the old days, when Great Grandpa put horseradish on his head, what was he trying to do?
A. George Gobel: Get it in his mouth.

Q. Who stays pregnant for a longer period of time, your wife or your elephant? A. Paul Lynde: Who told you about my elephant?

Q. Jackie Gleason recently revealed that he firmly believes in them and has actually seen them on at least two occasions. What are they? A. Charley Weaver: His feet.

Q. According to Ann Landers, what are two things you should never do in bed? A. Paul Lynde: Point and laugh.
A video refresher of the Paul Linde era: https://youtu.be/q1Km6E_0sLg

-= 5 =-
& now for yjr jokers' thoughts:

"Taco Bell announced it will begin selling a potato-rito, which is beef, cheese, potatoes, and chipotle spice wrapped in a tortilla for $1. Or, for the same nutritional value, just eat the dollar." -Seth Meyers

-= 6 =-
Q: How did the Aussie shepherd proppose to his sheila(girlfriend/female sheep)? A: I love ewe. Let me ram my crook into your fold.

-= 7 =-
Advice from the UK:
"Think in the morning.
Act in the noon.
Eat in the evening.
Sleep in the night."
--William Blake

"Bathe twice a day to be really clean, once a day to be passably clean,
once a week to avoid being a public menace."
--Anthony Burgess

"When someone close to you dies, move seats."
--Peter Kay

"Nothing matters very much, and very few things matter at all."
--Arthur Balfour

"Be wiser than other people, if you can, but do not tell them so."
--Lord Chesterfield

"Most idiots don't lose their privacy, they give it away."
--Chrissie Hynde

"No problem is insoluble, given a big enough plastic bag."
--Tom Stoppard

"My general approach is that you mustn't generalize."
--Harriet Harman

"Moderation is the last refugefor the unimaginative."
--Oscar Wilde [sure sounds like him!]

"For every expert, there is an equal and opposite expert."
--Arthur C. Clarke

"First things first, but not necessarily in that order."
--Dr. Who

"If you are first, you are first. If you are second, you are nothing."
--Bill Shankly

-= 8 =-
The Cyberpope(me!) is NOT "old."

He is a rare, vintage, one-of-a-kind and highly collectible piece of 1960s memorabilia!
## Certified 100% by Vatican North unLtd.

-= 9 =-
Comics (clean) riffing on Canada. . .

https://youtu.be/vEdDzclfePI

-= 10 =-
Made a fool of myself at the pub quiz night. One of the questions was:
æWhere do women have their hair short and curly?Æ

Turns out that the correct answer is: Nigeria


--- BBBS/Li6 v4.10 Toy-6
* Origin: The Rusty MailBox - Penticton, BC Canada (1:153/757)

Welcome to another edition of the Metric Dozen Punnies & Funnies, personally curated by yours truly, the Cyberpope, Bishop of ROM.

Please do comment as to which you loved & which you hated. . .

Also, at any time, let me know if you're done with receiving these. Because you're a mate, I won't even charge you my usual $19.00 cancelation fee! ;)

-= 1 =-
O0kau, let's begin with current events. . . Russia has invaded Ukraine, to annex their gas-rich territory. (8sorry -- to keep the world safe from Nazi-ism) Oh, yes, Russia, the promise of the Communist Dream, as it was in the '80s - you remember, right?

A conversation perhaps in later 1985, between Gorbaschev, & a soon-to-be- missing brave/stupid/suicidal man in the crowd:

G: Comrades: I have good news -- if all the potatoes of our crop this year werew to be piled up, they'd reach all the way to Heaven.

m: But, sir, you've taught us (under penalty of death, mind you) that there ain't no Heaven.

G: That's okay, because there ain't no potatoes, neither! *signals to KGB*

Yes, & they want Ukraine to have this 'dream', too. It's called "The Communist Dream," because you have to be asleep to believe it!

-= 2 =-
A little Rowan Atkinson for you, when he's not doing the Bean thing, apparently he's hating on the French neighbours of his country:

We offered kindly to donate them calais, But all they gave us back was the bidet, And now they won't let us go on holiday. That's why i hate the french, mmm,
That's why i hate the french.

They all wear berets and they're all called jacques. They even steal from us the words they lack: "le weekend", "le camping" and "cul-de-sac". That's why i hate the french,oh, That's why i hate the french.

They claim their films are the best we've ever had; Well, i suppose emmanuelle wasn't bad. Charles aznavour is always so depressed; Wouldn't you be if "oui, oui" meant "yes"?

Sacha distel has raindrops falling on his head. I wonder if jean-paul sartre knows he is dead? What i resent is that they're so good in bed. That's why i hate the french, oh,
That's why i hate the french.

They bake their bread in such a naughty shape. They brag about their wine and worship the grape. They criticise our food but then they eat crêpe. That's why i hate the french, oh,
That's why i hate the french.

And now they've started coming here in droves. French cigarettes, french letters and french clothes. I'm sick and tired of eating all this brie And i'll be buggered if i go to gay paris.

They're pretty cocky 'bout their games in the dark. They think with girls they light a special spark But look what the bastards did to joan of arc. That's why i hate the french, oh,
That's why i hate the french, mmm,
That's why i hate the french.

-= 3 =-
Are two year olds REALLY so bad?

L;et's do as the scientists do, & do a twins study; checking in on a neighbour who has identical twins, 15 months old, argying with each other: T1: You're ugly
T2: No, YOU are ugly!
T1: Well, you're uglier!
T2: No way, YOU are the ugliest in the whole world! [continues in the same vein for another ten minutes until mama's teacup goes dry, & she screams, "YOU'RE F*CKING IDENTICAL TWINS, YOU MONSTERS!! NOW SHUT UP AND GET ALONG BEFORE I WRAP BOTH YOUR MOUTHS IN PACKING TAPE!"]

-= 4 =-
Some clean humour from a bygone era: Best lines of W.C. Fields: https://youtu.be/_eafMhqoOvk

-= 5 =-
More clean humour, from a more modern era: "Nothing is Better Than Being Southern" (Killer Beaz full special)
https://youtu.be/qyDbdz7DjLM

Now we head over to Provo, UT for a full show from DryBar comedy(the best YoTube channel for clean good stand-up comedy) Dan Drueter's "The Youngest of 11 Children" https://youtu.be/RlOzW3MX0Lc

-= 6 =-
Much thanks to my AR-Kansas mate, Daryl Stout for this one:

What did Tennessee?? The same thing Arkansas...her name was Mrs. Ippi, and her daughter is Miss Sooree. They came from the breezy airport in central Oklahoma...where the wind comes sweeping down the plane...because the Texas were too big to the south. And, if there's any doubt further northwest, Alaska, and see what she says...but when I asked "Hawaii", she replied "OK". And, that's my stately humor for today.

-= 7 =-
Video Time!
My introduction to Ray Stevens (before I heard "The Streak") Ray Stevens as The Henhouse Five Plus Two "In The Mood"
https://youtu.be/0AvNNMwXH38

Another all-time favourite of mine: "The Scotsman Song" https://youtu.be/MZ35SOU9HTM

-= 8 =-
Just listening to thisright now on the radio; well written, well performed, & punny like I like:

It was April the 41st
Being a quadruple leap year
I was driving through downtown Atlantis My Barracuda was in the shop, so
I was in a rented Stingray
And it was overheating
So I pulled into a Shell station
They said I'd blown a seal
I said, "Fix the damn thing
And leave my private life out of it Okay, pal?"
While they were doing that
I walked over to a place called the Oyster Bar A real dive
But I knew the owner
He used to play for the Dolphins
I said, "Hi, Gil!"
You hafta yell, he's hard of herring Think I had a wet dream
Cruisin' through the Gulf Stream
Oooh-ooh-ooh-ooh
Wet dream
Gil was also down on his luck
Fact is, he was barely keeping his head below water I gullied up to the sandbar He poured the usual
Rusty snail, hold the grunion, shaken, not stirred With a peanut butter and jellyfish sandwich on the side Heavy on the mako I slipped him a fin, on porpoise
I was feeling good
I even dropped a sand dollar in the box for Jerry's squids For the halibut Well, the place was crowded
We were packed in like sardines
They were all there to listen to the big band sounds of Tommy Dorsal What sole Tommy was rockin' the place with a very popular tuna Salmon Chanted Evening And the stage was surrounded by screaming groupers Probably there to see the bass player One of them was this cute little yellowtail And she's giving me the eye
So I figure, this is my chance for a little fun You know -- a piece of Pisces But she said things I just couldn't fathom She was too deep
Seemed to be under a lot of pressure Boy, could she drink
She drank like a... she drank a lot I said, "What's your sign?"
She said, "Aquarium"
I said, "Great! Let's get tanked."
Think I had a wet dream
Cruisin' through the Gulf Stream
Oooh-ooh-ooh-ooh
Wet dream
I invite her up to my place for a little midnight bait I say, "C'mon baby, it'll only take a few minnows" She threw me that same old line
"Not tonight, I got a haddock"
And she wasn't kiddin' either
'Cause in came the biggest, meanest looking haddock
I'd ever seen come down the pike
He was covered with mussels
He came over to me,
He said, "Listen shrimp
Don't you come trolling around here" What a crab
This guy was steamed
I could see the anchor in his eyes
I turned to him
I said, "Abalone! You're just being shellfish" Well, I knew there was going to be trouble And so did Gil
'Cause he was already on the phone to the cods
The haddock hits me with a sucker punch I catch him with a left hook
He eels over
It was a fluke
But there he was, lying on the deck Flat as a mackerel
Kelpless
I said, "Forget the cods, Gil
This guy's gonna need a sturgeon"
Well, the yellowtail was impressed
With the way I landed her boyfriend She came over to me, she said
"Hey big boy, you're really a game fish" "What's your name?"
I said, "Marlin"
Think I had a wet dream
Cruisin' through the Gulf Stream
Oooh-ooh-ooh-ooh
Wet dream
Well from then on, we had a whale of a time I took her to dinner
I took her to dance
I bought her a bouquet of flounders And then I went home with her
And what did I get for my trouble?
A case of the clams
Think I had a wet dream
Cruisin' through the Gulf Stream
Oooh-ooh-ooh-ooh

Wet dream
Source: Musixmatch
Songwriters: Kip Addotta & Biff Manard

-= 9 =-
Be thankful its not snowing -- can you imagine having to shovel snow in this heat?

-= 10 =-
Some of my favourites to close with:

Jokes performed on A Prairie Home Companion, February 1, 2003 from the Fitzgerald Theater in Saint Paul, Minnesota, our "Sometimes Annual Joke Show."

Performers:


Garrison Keillor, Sue Scott, Tim Russell, Tom Keith, Fred Newman The Guy's All-Star Shoe Band: Richard Dworsky, piano, keyboard, organ; Dale Mendenhall, winds; Pat Donohue, guitar; Gary Raynor, bass; Arnie Kinsella, percussion

Guests:

Outside John and the Sears Catalog
Jeff Lang

The Old Standby:

So these two penguins are standing on an iceberg. One penguin says to the other: You look like you're wearing a tuxedo. The other penguin replies: Who says I'm not?

Ole and Lena jokes:

Did you ever hear about the Norwegian who loved his wife so much he almost told her?

One day, Svend and Ole were hunting and suddenly a man came running out of the bushes, yelling, "Don't shoot! Don't shoot! I'm not a deer!" Ole raised his gun and shot him dead. Svend said, "Ole, why did you shoot that man? He said he wasn't a deer!" And Ole replied, "Oh! I thought he said he was a deer!"

Blonde jokes:

A blonde walks down the street and sees a banana peel ahead, and she says: "Here we go again."

A blonde wanted to buy personalized license plates but she couldn't afford them. So she changed her name to JKM345.

A blonde and her father are walking down a street when the father says, ''Look, a dead bird.'' And the blonde looks up and says, ''Where?''

Third-grader jokes:

How do you fix a broken tuba? With a tuba glue.

Two missionaries were captured by cannibals and they were stuck naked in a big pot of water over a fire and the water got hotter and hotter and suddenly, one guy started laughing, and the other guy says, "What's so funny?" The first guy replied: "I couldn't help it. I just peed in their soup!"

Why did the composer only compose in bed? He was writing sheet music.

What do Alexander the Great and Winnie the Pooh have in common? They have the same middle name.

How do you make a dog drink? Put it in a blender.

A pickle walks into a bar and the bartender says, "Hey, you're a pickle! What are you doing here?"
The pickle says, "Well for starters, I'm celebrating the fact that I can walk."

Political jokes:

Hillary Clinton finds out from her doctor that she's pregnant. She is furious. Here she's in her first term as Senator of New York and she calls home, gets Bill on the starts screaming. "How could you have let this happen? You go and get me pregnant! How could you? It is all your fault!!!" she screams. And Bill says, "Who is this?"

What were George W. Bush's three hardest years? Second grade.

Doctors and medicine:

A guy goes into a doctor's office wearing nothing but a piece of cling film around his waist. The doctor says, "I can clearly see you're nuts."

This man is walking by an insane asylum and he hears the inmates inside chanting inside "Thirteen, thirteen, thirteen--" He is so fascinated that he walks up to the door and puts his eye up the keyhole and somebody pokes him in the eye with a sharp stick and the inmates start changing "Fourteen, fourteen, fourteen--"

I woke up this morning and I felt so bad that I tried to kill myself by taking a thousand aspirin. But after the first two, I felt better.

One-liners:

I got an A in philosophy last semester by proving that my professor doesn't exist.

Copy-editing is a very stressful line of work. Every time one of us misses a period, we get really nervous.

So the dyslexic walked into the bra.

Men and Women:

Why does an archeologist make a good husband? Because the older you get, the more interested he is in you.

"Hey. Nice earring. How long have you been wearing an earring?" "Ever since my wife found it in the car."

My wife came home the other night and told me to take off her blouse. Then she told me to take off her skirt. Then she told me never to wear her clothes again.

Odds 'n' Ends:

An elephant was walking through the jungle when he saw a turtle sitting on a log. And he said, "Hey, you're the same turtle who bit me 45 years ago." And he kicked the turtle and it flew a hundred feet and bounced off a tree and into the river. And the giraffe said, "Wow, you've got quite a memory" and the elephant said, "I have turtle recall."

Did you hear about the exhibitionist who was going to retire? He changed his mind, and decided to stick it out for one more year.

What do you get if you cross a Jehovah's Witness and a Unitarian: Some one who goes around knocking on doors but isn't sure why.

A man walks into a bar with a newt on his shoulder. He told the bartender that the newt's name was Tiny. "Why?" asks the bartender. "Because he's my newt!" replied the man.

A man walked out of the bar and got in his car and a policeman came over and said, "Sir, your eyes seem to be bloodshot. Have you been drinking?" The man looked at the police officer and replied, "Officer, your eyes seem to be glazed. Have you been eating doughnuts?"

--- BBBS/Li6 v4.10 Toy-6
* Origin: The Rusty MailBox - Penticton, BC Canada (1:153/757)

Welcome to another edition of the Metric Dozen Punnies & Funnies, personally curated by yours truly, the Cyberpope, Bishop of ROM.

Please do comment as to which you loved & which you hated. . .

Also, at any time, let me know if you're done with receiving these. Because you're a mate, I won't even charge you my usual $19.00 cancelation fee! ;)

-= 1 =-
Here we have a few from a French laguage jokes site, translated, & only included when they translated well as funny in English; these were listed as "adult"

A gynecologist caught Parkinson's disease, but has since made a quick fortune.

A janitor is pregnant. His doctor asks her who the father is. She answers:
- Do you think maybe I have time to
turn around when I clean the stairs?

A guy arrives at the office one morning all beaming and announces to his colleagues:
- Hey, guys, you're all cuckolds!
- And why us? they answer.
- Because last night I slept with my wife!

-= 2 =-
A traveling sales representative returns home at four in the morning. So as not to wake his wife, he undresses before entering the bedroom. He enters quietly.
It was then that he met a man who came out and said to him:
- Good luck, old man. But I advise you to act quickly:
she is expecting her husband at any moment!

-= 3 =-
Jeff Foxworthy's "Redneck Words":

If you've ever been on television more than 5 times Describing what the tornadoes sounded like... You might be a redneck
If you've ever cut your grass and found a car... You might be a redneck
If your dad walks you to school because your in the same grade... You might be a redneck
If you've ever been too drunk to fish... If somebody asks to see your ID and you show them your belt buckle.. If every day somebody comes to your house mistakenly thinking your having a Yard sale
If you've ever had to haul a can of paint to the top of a water tower to defend Your sister's honor..
You might be a redneck
If your dog and your wallet are both on a chain... You might be a redneck
They always make fun of the way I talk, I keep telling them I said your gonna be
Real surprised when you get into the habit in St. Petersburg and say "Y'all get into the truck, we goin up to the big house." If you've ever financed a tattoo.... If you've ever made change in the offering plate... You might be a redneck
We have words in the south they don't have in other parts of the country.. Now, you come to the south, we have words like...yu'nt to We goin to the mall, yu'nt to?
What letter does that start with, does anybody know? I like this word alot...aight
That's a word in Texas...aight
Round lunch time every day, you'll hear somebody say "hey jeet yet, naw, dju? Yu'nt to? Aight." If you go to the family reunion to meet women.... If you smoked during your wedding.... You might be a redneck
And last but not least
If you see a sign that says say no to crack And it reminds you to pull your jeans up... You might be a redneck

-= 4 =-
ET YOUR VEGETABLES!
Q: What is the strongest vegetable? A: A muscle sprout!

Q: Why did the Tomato take a prune to the movies? A: Hecouldn't find a date.

Q: What vegetable is off-limit to Vegans? A: a ZOO-chini.

Q: When do potatoes argue?
A: When they can't see eye to eye.

Q: Why did the tomato get embarrassed and turn red? A: it saw the chick pea.

Q: How do you grow a chicken in your garden? A: Plant an eggplant

Q: What is small, red, & whispers?
A: a hoarse radish

Q: Why do fungi have to pay double fares? A: They take up too mushroom.

Q: Which vegetables did Noah not take on the Ark? A: Leeks

Q: How do you fix a broken vine fruit? A: Tomato Paste

-= 5 =-
1. Doctor, doctor! I think I'm a bell? Go home and take these and if you're not better soon, give me a ring.

2. Doctor, doctor! I feel like a pack of cards. I'll deal with you in a minute!

3. Doctor, doctor! I've swallowed my pocket money! Take this and we'll see if there's any change.

4. Doctor doctor! I think I'm a shepherd. I wouldn't lose any sheep over it.

5. Doctor, doctor! I feel like a carrot. Don't get yourself in a stew.

6. Doctor doctor! I think I'm at death's door? Don't worry, we'll soon pull you through

7. Doctor, doctor! Do you have something for a headache? Yes, try this hammer.

8. Doctor, doctor! I feel like a pair of wigwams! Ah yes, the issue is you've become too tense.

9. Doctor, doctor! I get heartburn whenever I eat birthday cake. Next time take the candles off!

-= 6 =-
Ray Romano, famous for his sitcom: "Everruybody Loves Ratymond" & his own stand up career. This is a story of his twin boys when they were still 'babies:' https://www.liveone.com/song/ray-romano/the-tub-story

-= 7 =-
corporate America's anthem?
ôOh Beautiful for smoggy skies,
insecticided grain,
For strip-mined mountain's majesty above the asphalt plain.
America, America, man sheds his waste on thee, And hides the pines with billboard signs, from sea to oily sea.ö
--George Carlin

-= 8 =-
Driver Math:
Q: What do you get when you cross 1 Cadillac with 1 train? A: 1 widow + 4 orphans - 1 idiot

-= 9 =-
Quotables:

"Wal-Mart is testing out an app that would allow shoppers to skip the checkout line. Currently that service is known as shoplifting." -Conan O'Brien

"Brace yourself, because Kraft has announced that they've gone natural. I first assumed that natural meant they were doing their products in the buff. But they mean they have removed all artificial preservatives, flavors, and dyes from their classic Mac and Cheese recipe. I don't get it. I was not aware, first of all, that a packet of orange dust was a technically a recipe." -Stephen Colbert

-= 10 =-
The little boy wasn't getting good marks in school. One day he made the teacher quite surprised. He tapped her on the shoulder and said, "I don't want to scare you, but my daddy says if I don't get better grades, somebody is going to get a spanking."

--- BBBS/Li6 v4.10 Toy-6
* Origin: The Rusty MailBox - Penticton, BC Canada (1:153/757)

Welcome to another edition of the Metric Dozen Punnies & Funnies, personally curated by yours truly, the Cyberpope, Bishop of ROM.

Please do comment as to which you loved & which you hated. . .

Also, at any time, let me know if you're done with receiving these. Because you're a mate, I won't even charge you my usual $19.00 cancelation fee! ;)

-= 1 =-
A Baptist pastor was presenting a children's sermon.

During the sermon, he asked the children if they knew what the resurrection was.

Asking questions during children's sermons is crucial. Asking children questions in front of a congregation can also be very dangerous.

After the pastor asked the children if they knew the meaning of the resurrection, a little boy raised his hand. The pastor called on him And the little boy said, "I'm not sure, but I know that if you have a resurrection that lasts more than four hours you are supposed to call the doctor."

-= 2 =-
QUOTABLES:

"A balloon released by a girl in Texas was found this week over 900 miles away in Ohio. Or, more likely, Ohio also has red balloons." -Seth Meyers

"After residents in Birmingham complained about the terrible smell, New York City has agreed to stop sending railcars full of the city's excess sewage to a landfill in Alabama. Yeah, train cars filled with human waste and an unbearable smell--or, as that's called in New York, the subway." -James Corden

"Every appliance with a clock should have a Daylight Savings button to push. You'd only use it twice a year, but that's more than I use the 'Potato' button on my microwave." -Jimmy Kimmel

"The new Florida weapons bill would allow librarians to arm themselves. Now, in a related story, talking in Florida libraries is down 99 percent." -Conan O'Brien

"This week in England, a worker at a factory that makes Coca-Cola cans was caught urinating into the cans. But Coke quickly dealt with the situation by putting a Mountain Dew label on it." -Jimmy Fallon

-= 3 =-
This morning I was sitting on a bench next to a homeless man, I asked him how he ended up this way.

He said, "Up until Last week, I still had it all! All my meals were prepared for me, my room was cleaned, my clothes were washed, pressed, I had a roof over my head, I had TV, internet, I went to the gym, the pool, the library, I could still go to school."

I asked him, "What happened? Drugs? Alcohol? Divorce?"

"No, nothing like that," he said. "I got out of prison."

-= 4 =-
Larry's barn burned down and his wife, Susan, called the insurance company.

Susan spoke to the insurance agent and said, "We had that barn insured for fifty thousand, and I want my money."

The agent replied, "Whoa there, just a minute. Insurance doesn't work quite like that. An independent adjuster will assess the value of what was insured, and then we'll provide you with a new barn of similar worth."

There was a long pause, and then Susan replied, "If that's how it works, then I want to cancel the life insurance policy on my husband."

-= 5 =-
"If you clean the receipts out of your purse or wallet and stack them all together, it makes a tiny book about why you're broke."

-= 6 =-
While flying from Denver to Kansas City, Kansas, my mother was sitting across the aisle from a woman and her eight-year-old son. Mom couldn't help laughing as they neared their destination and she heard the mother say to the boy, "Now remember, hug Daddy first, then the dog."

-= 7 =-
Caller: 'Hi, can you connect me with Jack?'

Operator: 'I'm sorry, sir, I don't understand who you are talking about.'

Caller: 'On page 1, section 5, of your user guide it clearly states that I need to unplug the fax machine from the AC wall socket and telephone Jack before cleaning. Now, can you give me the number for Jack?'

Operator: 'I think it means the telephone plug on the wall.'

-= 8 =-
I was waiting tables at a country club when an elegantly dressed woman spilled Manhattan clam chowder all over her white linen skirt. She began furiously dabbing at it with a napkin.

Having plenty of experience with getting out feed stains, I asked, "Can I bring you some club soda?"

"Young lady," she barked, "I'll be the judge of when I've had enough to drink. Bring me another martini!"

-= 9 =-
Two hunters were relaxing in their lodge, making small talk.

One of them asked, "So, what do you hunt?"

"Unicorns," came the surprising answer.

Startled, the first hunter gasped, "Really? How do the hell do you do that?"

"Well, I find a virgin and hire her to help me. They're the only thing that attracts unicorns. I have her wait in the woods until a unicorn comes up to her. When it does, it sets off a snare."

The first hunter sighed, "Boy, they must be hard to find. I've heard of 'em, but I've never seen one."

The second hunter said, "Yeah, and there ain't many unicorns either."

-= 10 =-
A small boy stunned his parents after church one Sunday when he began to empty his pockets of nickels, dimes, and quarters.

Finally his mother asked the obvious question: "Where did you get all that money?"

"At Sunday school," the boy replied enthusiastically. "They got bowls of it!"

--- BBBS/Li6 v4.10 Toy-6
* Origin: The Rusty MailBox - Penticton, BC Canada (1:153/757)

Welcome to another edition of the Metric Dozen Punnies & Funnies, personally curated by
yours truly, the Cyberpope, Bishop of ROM.

Please do comment as to which you loved & which you hated. . .

Also, at any time, let me know if you're done with receiving these. Because you're a mate, I
won't even charge you my usual $19.00 cancellation fee! ;)

-= 1 =-
John O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said, "Here's to spending the rest of me Life, between the
legs of me wife!"

That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night!

He went home and told his wife, Mary, "I won the prize for the Best toast of the night."

She said, "Aye, did ye now. And what was your toast?"

John said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, sitting in church beside me wife."

"Oh, that is very nice indeed, John!" Mary said.

The next day, Mary ran into one of John's drinking buddies on the street corner. The man
chuckled leeringly and said, "John won the prize the other night at the pub with a toast about
you, Mary."

She said, "Aye, he told me, and I was a bit surprised myself. You know, he's only been in
there twice in the last four years. Once I had to pull him by the ears to make him come and
the other time he fell asleep."

-= 2 =-
Ever have a day like this?

"What the hell, Bob?! Why are you half naked on the golf course?"

"& shoving your undershirt into a hole in the ground?"

"Well, Jim, you told me to start by sticking my tee into the ground."

-= 3 =-
When I was younger, porn cost money and water was free.

What happened?

-= 4 =-
I have learned from cows, hippos, and elephants that it is impossible to reduce weight by
eating green grass, salads, and walking.

-= 5 =-
Honestly, I was so thirsty halfway through the night that I nearly choked on my husband's
teeth.

-= 6 =-
Her: I wish I was my rich neighbour's daughter.

Genie: You still have three wishes.

Her: ...

Genie: ...

-= 7 =-
I've been on Facebook for 16 years. I can remember when it was all farmland.

-= 8 =-
Cut flowers is Botanical Castration

-= 9 =-
Q: Why did the bookseller keep "Twilight" in the children's section? A: Because he'd already exceeded smoke emission maximums for his fireplace

-= 10 =-
`# Thank you, ICE-Man, for this one; #~

Politicians talk to the country the way men talk to women. They say, "Trust me, go all the way
with me, and everything will be all right." And what happens? Nine months later, you're in
trouble.

--- BBBS/Li6 v4.10 Toy-6
* Origin: The Rusty MailBox - Penticton, BC Canada (1:153/757)

Welcome to another edition of the Metric Dozen Punnies & Funnies, personally curated by yours truly, the Cyberpope, Bishop of ROM.

Please do comment as to which you loved & which you hated. . .

Also, at any time, let me know if you're done with receiving these. Because you're a mate, I won't even charge you my usual $19.00 cancelation fee! ;)

-= 1 =-
~# from the world-famous ICE-Man: #~

The mayor of Phoenix was very worried about a plague of pigeons in Phoenix . He could not remove the pigeons from the city. All of Phoenix was full of pigeon poop. The people of Phoenix could not walk on the sidewalks, or drive on the roads. It was costing a fortune to keep the streets and sidewalks clean. One day a man came to City Hall and offered the Mayor a proposition.
'I can rid your beautiful city of its plague of pigeons
without any cost to the city. But, you must promise not to ask me any questions, or you can pay me one million dollars to ask one question.' The mayor considered the offer briefly and accepted the free proposition.. The next day the man climbed to the top of City Hall, opened his coat, and released a blue pigeon. The blue pigeon circled in the air and flew up into the bright blue Arizona sky. All the pigeons in Phoenix saw the blue pigeon and gathered up in the air behind the blue pigeon. The Phoenix pigeons followed the blue pigeon as she flew southward out of the city. The next day the blue pigeon returned completely alone to the man atop City Hall. The Mayor was very impressed. He felt the man and the blue pigeon had performed a wonderful miraculous feat to rid Phoenix of the plague of pigeons. Even though the man with the pigeon had charged nothing, the mayor presented him with a check for 1 million dollars and told the man that, indeed, he did have a question to ask and even though they had agreed to no fee and the man had rid the city of pigeons, he decided to pay the 1 million just to get to ask ONE question. The man accepted the money and told the mayor to ask his ONE question. Do you think
the Mayor is going to ask how the blue pigeon led all the pigeons away?
Do you think
the Mayor is going to ask where all the pigeons went? Do you think
He is going to ask where the man got the blue pigeon? Nooooooo!
This will get a smile out of you!
The mayor asked: "Do you have a blue Mexican?"

-= 2 =-
Also from ~# ICEMan @~

Every morning for years, at about 11:30, the telephone operator in a small Sierra-Nevada town received a call from a man asking the exact time. One day the operator summed up nerve enough to ask him why the regularity. "I'm foreman of the local sawmill," he explained. "Every day I have to blow the whistle at noon so I call you to get the exact time." The operator giggled, "That's really funny," she said. "All this time we've been setting our clock by your whistle.

-= 3 =-
Q: What is the slowest & most painful way to die? A: Life.

-= 4 =-
Little bit of edgy today, for those who prefer their humour just SLIGHTLY on the blue side:

Q: Why are 0 and 1 the only numbers with genders? A: All the others are non-binary

My new favourite:
Q: What do you get when cross a gun with the female pudenda? A: A re-vulva

In the UK "tuppence" refers to a small amount of money and is shorthand for a woman's pussy. In the US Trump-Pence involves a lot of money and describes a pair of d*cks. (Mr. Nixon must be proud)

-= 5 =-
At a Long Island house party, a chap invited an attractive girl to go fishing with him on the Sound. After an hour without any luck, he asked, "Do you think we ought to try chumming?"
His companion, a novice at fishing, looked toward the house on the distant shore, then replied, "We might as well. They can't see us from there."
--John C. Miller
RD Issue: July 1957

-= 6 =-
King Charles will not make as many foreign visits as Queen Elizabeth did.

Because the Queen could go any distance but the King can only move one space at a time.

-= 7 =-
Terrible night. Dreamt something bit me on the neck. Got up to check, but the mirror wasn't working.

-= 8 =-
In medieval times, people used to attach a lamp to a horse when riding at night. This is the earliest known form of saddle light navigation.

-= 9 =-
Accidentally drunk a bottle of invisible ink.

I'm now in hospital waiting to be seen.

-= 10 =-
IÆve just joined a dating group for arsonists.

ItÆs great; they send me new matches every day.

--- BBBS/Li6 v4.10 Toy-6
* Origin: The Rusty MailBox - Penticton, BC Canada (1:153/757)

George,

The mayor asked: "Do you have a blue Mexican?"

Directed by Jose' Jalapeno on a stick. <G>

Every morning for years, at about 11:30, the telephone operator in a
small Sierra-Nevada town received a call from a man asking the exact time. One day the operator summed up nerve enough to ask him why the regularity. "I'm foreman of the local sawmill," he explained. "Every
day I have to blow the whistle at noon so I call you to get the exact time." The operator giggled, "That's really funny," she said. "All this time we've been setting our clock by your whistle.

Time is of the essence. <G>

Q: What is the slowest & most painful way to die? A: Life.

Life a fatally transmitted disease.

Q: Why are 0 and 1 the only numbers with genders? A: All the others are non-binary

Your punny days are numbered.

My new favourite:
Q: What do you get when cross a gun with the female pudenda? A: A
re-vulva

Never mind starting from scratch. :P

In the UK "tuppence" refers to a small amount of money and is shorthand for a woman's pussy. In the US Trump-Pence involves a lot of money and describes a pair of d*cks. (Mr. Nixon must be proud)

I tell you what.

-= 5 =-
At a Long Island house party, a chap invited an attractive girl to go fishing with him on the Sound. After an hour without any luck, he
asked, "Do you think we ought to try chumming?" His companion, a novice
at fishing, looked toward the house on the distant shore, then replied, "We might as well. They can't see us from there." --John C. Miller
RD Issue: July 1957

Really.

-= 6 =-
King Charles will not make as many foreign visits as Queen Elizabeth
did.

Because the Queen could go any distance but the King can only move one space at a time.

Check, mate. <G>

-= 7 =-
Terrible night. Dreamt something bit me on the neck. Got up to check,
but the mirror wasn't working.

Must've been made by ACME.

-= 8 =-
In medieval times, people used to attach a lamp to a horse when riding
at night. This is the earliest known form of saddle light navigation.

Then, the fireflies took it and minaturized it.

-= 9 =-
Accidentally drunk a bottle of invisible ink.

I'm now in hospital waiting to be seen.

It may take awhile either way.

-= 10 =-
I've just joined a dating group for arsonists.

It's great; they send me new matches every day.

Now, we know who's hot stuff.

Daryl

... "Calvin, we will NOT have an anatomically correct snowman!" -Calvin's Mom === MultiMail/Win v0.52
--- SBBSecho 3.15-Win32
* Origin: The Thunderbolt BBS - Little Rock, Arkansas (1:2320/33)

Q: What is the slowest & most painful way to die? A: Life.

Life a fatally transmitted disease.

Life is a lethal STD.

Q: Why are 0 and 1 the only numbers with genders? A: All the others are
non-binary

Your punny days are numbered.

So the Good Book says.

My new favourite:
Q: What do you get when cross a gun with the female pudenda? A: A
re-vulva

Never mind starting from scratch. :P

Before the revulva, you had to STUFF IT before you could fire.

In the UK "tuppence" refers to a small amount of money and is shorthand
for a woman's pussy. In the US Trump-Pence involves a lot of money and
describes a pair of d*cks. (Mr. Nixon must be proud)

I tell you what.

Yankee: What?
Southerner: I just TOLD you.

Because the Queen could go any distance but the King can only move one
space at a time.

Check, mate. <G>

He has a checkered past, some say.

-= 7 =-
Terrible night. Dreamt something bit me on the neck. Got up to check,
but the mirror wasn't working.

Must've been made by ACME.

Did they have Acme in the days of Vlad?

-= 8 =-
In medieval times, people used to attach a lamp to a horse when riding
at night. This is the earliest known form of saddle light navigation.

Then, the fireflies took it and minaturized it.

Damned Japanese bugs!

-= 9 =-
Accidentally drunk a bottle of invisible ink.
I'm now in hospital waiting to be seen.

It may take awhile either way.

The doctor showed up & told the nurse, "I can't see him today."

-= 10 =-
I've just joined a dating group for arsonists.
It's great; they send me new matches every day.

Now, we know who's hot stuff.

I always knew -- before vampirism messed up my mirrors!

--- BBBS/Li6 v4.10 Toy-6
* Origin: The Rusty MailBox - Penticton, BC Canada (1:153/757)

George,

Life is a lethal STD.

I prefer the acronym of "stubborn, temperamental, dog"...especially
if it relates to dachshunds. <G>

So the Good Book says.

None of us is getting out of here alive...just ask the morticians.

Before the revulva, you had to STUFF IT before you could fire.

Making sure the weapon is cocked, I'm sure. <eg>

Yankee: What?
Southerner: I just TOLD you.

Southern DOS? Ya'll Reckon?? Yep/Nope.

He has a checkered past, some say.

It would seem so. I did better at checkers than at chess...
although the checkers doors on the BBS are smarter than me.

Did they have Acme in the days of Vlad?

Ask Wile E. Coyote about that.

Damned Japanese bugs!

It's just hard to change their bulbs when they burn out.

The doctor showed up & told the nurse, "I can't see him today."

He doesn't have a lot of patience.

I always knew -- before vampirism messed up my mirrors!

If you don't believe in laughing, go look in the mirror, and see
what everyone else has been laughing at -- Jerry Clower

Daryl

... What color is a chameleon in a mirror??
=== MultiMail/Win v0.52
--- SBBSecho 3.15-Win32
* Origin: The Thunderbolt BBS - Little Rock, Arkansas (1:2320/33)

Welcome to another edition of the Metric Dozen Punnies & Funnies, personally curated by yours truly, the Cyberpope, Bishop of ROM.

Please do comment as to which you loved & which you hated. . .

Also, at any time, let me know if you're done with receiving these. Because you're a mate, I won't even charge you my usual $19.00 cancelation fee! ;)

-= 1 =-
Two for the skin doctors:

Asked the dermatologist if it's possible to transplant hairy donkey skin onto a human's head? Ass skin for a friend. . .

Q: What's a dermatologist's favourite legwear? A: SKINny jeans

-= 2 =-
Q: What has 10 eyes, 10 ears, 10 legs, 10 arms and 10 teeth? A: 5 meth addicts

-= 3 =-
During breakfast, my wife said she was leaving me because of my obsession with twitter.

I nearly choked on my #brown.

-= 4 =-
My body's just ran out of magnesium.

0mg!

-= 5 =-
~# via J. Harris, in Fidonet's FUNNY #~

"We used to play spin the bottle when I was a kid. A girl would spin the bottle, and if the bottle pointed to you when it stopped, the girl could either kiss you or give you a nickel. By the time I was 14, I owned my own house." --Gene Perret, Classic One-Liners RD Issue: June 1997

-= 6 =-
Q: What's black and white, and red all over?

A: a sunburnt nun with a newspaper, riding a blushing zebra.

-= 7 =-
A man went into the confessional and said to his priest, 'I almost had an affair with another woman.'
The priest said, 'What do you mean, almost? The man said, 'Well, we got undressed and rubbed together, but then I stopped! The priest said, Rubbing together is the same as putting it in. You're not to see that woman again. For your penance, say five Hail Mary's and put $50 in the poor box!

The man left the confessional, said his prayers, and then walked over to the poor box. He paused for a moment and then started to leave.

The priest, who was watching, quickly ran over to him saying, 'I saw that. You didn't put any money in the poor box!

The man replied, Yeah, but I rubbed the $50 on the box, and according to you, that's the same as putting it in!

-= 8 =-
Two from Quora's "Jokes, Humour & Funny stories [lack of Oxford comma SIC]

I was driving drunk last week and ran over a pig, I told my mate and he said not to worry about it, he said shit happens, I said ôOh, thatÆs cool, now what shall I do with his motorbike?ö

My neighbour said to his wife, ôThese crab paste sandwiches just donÆt taste right, where did you get the crab paste?ö And she said, ôFrom the chemistö ("from the pharmacy" elsewhere in the world)

-= 9 =-
Do you have ARADD (Age-Related Attention Deficit Disorder) like this guy?

I needed to do the laundry,

but then I realized I was out of detergent,

so I went to write a shopping list and realized how unorganized the junk drawer was,

and started checking pens for ink.

When I went to toss all the junk,

I saw that the trash was full but before I took it out I wanted to get rid of old food in the fridge.

That's when I realized a juice jug had leaked so I needed to clean it up but when I went to grab a rag,

I saw that the pantry closet was a nightmare so I started organizing it.

And that's how I ended up on the floor looking at my old photo albums from 1990's and not doing laundry.

-= 10 =-
Q: What language does Santa Claus speak? A: Polish (as in North Polish)

--- BBBS/Li6 v4.10 Toy-6
* Origin: The Rusty MailBox - Penticton, BC Canada (1:153/757)

If you don't believe in laughing, go look in the mirror, and see
what everyone else has been laughing at -- Jerry Clower

If 1 person calls you an ass, ignore him; if 2 call you one, laugh it off; if 3 call you one, check in the mirror for donkey ears.

If 1 person says you have no sense of humour, ignore them If 2 say you don't, laugh it off.
If you can't laugh it off, then they're right.

... What color is a chameleon in a mirror??

[true answer]
It'll depend on the temperature of the mirror -- recent research suggests it's not the colour itself they adapt to, but the underlying colour.

Q: What do you call it when a chameleon can't change colours? A: a reptile dysfunction

A chameleon stole an apple once.
It was caught red handed.

You'd never find me wearing a chameleon costume.

I was walking in the jungle and saw a lizard on his hind legs telling some really excellent jokes. I turned to the local tribesman and said "that lizard is really funny!" The tribesman replied "that's not a lizard... he's a stand up chameleon"

--- BBBS/Li6 v4.10 Toy-6
* Origin: The Rusty MailBox - Penticton, BC Canada (1:153/757)

George,

If 1 person calls you an ass, ignore him; if 2 call you one, laugh it
off; if 3 call you one, check in the mirror for donkey ears.

Especially if when you sneeze, you go "Hee Haw". <G>

If 1 person says you have no sense of humour, ignore them If 2 say you don't, laugh it off. If you can't laugh it off, then they're right.

As Roger Rabbit said "If you don't have a sense of humor, you're better
off dead".

Q: What do you call it when a chameleon can't change colours? A: a
reptile dysfunction

That was what the alligator had when he couldn't chase and catch his
prey as fast as he used to.

A chameleon stole an apple once.
It was caught red handed.

But, did the apple change color.

I was walking in the jungle and saw a lizard on his hind legs telling
some really excellent jokes. I turned to the local tribesman and said "that lizard is really funny!" The tribesman replied "that's not a lizard... he's a stand up chameleon"

I'll bet his jokes were really colorful.

Daryl

... Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
=== MultiMail/Win v0.52
--- SBBSecho 3.15-Win32
* Origin: The Thunderbolt BBS - Little Rock, Arkansas (1:2320/33)

George,

Asked the dermatologist if it's possible to transplant hairy donkey
skin onto a human's head? Ass skin for a friend. . .

If his fanny is fantastic in what it does, does he have a smart ass??

Q: What's a dermatologist's favourite legwear? A: SKINny jeans

I'm trans-slender...I identify as skinny.

My body's just ran out of magnesium.

0mg!

Go for vitamitavegamin - Lucille Ball's tonic. <G>

"We used to play spin the bottle when I was a kid. A girl would spin
the bottle, and if the bottle pointed to you when it stopped, the girl could either kiss you or give you a nickel. By the time I was 14, I
owned my own house." --Gene Perret, Classic One-Liners RD Issue: June
1997

They probably do more than kiss now. :P

Q: What's black and white, and red all over?

A: a sunburnt nun with a newspaper, riding a blushing zebra.

That covers it. Would instructions for a hanging be known as noose
paper??

The man replied, Yeah, but I rubbed the $50 on the box, and according
to you, that's the same as putting it in!

That'll teach him a lesson!!

I was driving drunk last week and ran over a pig, I told my mate and he said not to worry about it, he said shit happens, I said "Oh, that's cool, now what shall I do with his motorbike?"

I said to a co-worker once "Feces Occurs". She looked at me with the
deer in the headlights look. When I "translated it", she howled with
laughter, and said "I'm going to tell my sister". <G> The next day, I
asked her if there was the same reaction...she grinned, "Yep". :)

Daryl

... I was up all night wondering where the sun went, but then it dawned on me. === MultiMail/Win v0.52
--- SBBSecho 3.15-Win32
* Origin: The Thunderbolt BBS - Little Rock, Arkansas (1:2320/33)

A chameleon stole an apple once.
It was caught red handed.

But, did the apple change color.

Why? The chameleon changed to match the red apple's colour. . .

I was walking in the jungle and saw a lizard on his hind legs telling
some really excellent jokes. I turned to the local tribesman and said
"that lizard is really funny!" The tribesman replied "that's not a
lizard... he's a stand up chameleon"

I'll bet his jokes were really colorful.

But not off-colour. . .

Q: What's brown & sounds like a bell? A: Dung.

Q: What's green & smells like red paint? A: Green paint.

Q: Why is it spelled "Color" in the US but "Colour" in Britain? A: Because after the revolutionary war, the freed United States told Britain defiantly, "We're getting rid of you".

--- BBBS/Li6 v4.10 Toy-6
* Origin: The Rusty MailBox - Penticton, BC Canada (1:153/757)

I said to a co-worker once "Feces Occurs". She looked at me with the
deer in the headlights look. When I "translated it", she howled with laughter, and said "I'm going to tell my sister". <G> The next day, I
asked her if there was the same reaction...she grinned, "Yep". :)

I love when my jokes or puns get secondary life. . .

I'm a stinker; if asked to translate I'd likely have said, "Manure takes place" & keep on coming up with a new pair of synonyms until they clue in, or as is more usual, someone else gives it away! *at which I say, "Dammit, I could've got 3 more in before she got it!"

I tend to always bushwhack when asked to translate my punny euphemisms, like, on hearing a bad person has left town, I'll say, "G.F.R." & translate it to just "Good riddance."

This way they can't get offended, because only they supply the so-called offensive element.

& when I tel one of these stuck up prigs to "get bent" & they are dumb enough to ask what that means, I say, "Imagine you don't just look & act like a hippo or rhino, but you smell like one in heat, & a male of the species is running towards you, & you have a wardrobe malfunction & are standing there, bent, with no clothes on. . . This is my thinking when I tell you to get bent. It's my new "Happy Place," picturing that scene.


--- BBBS/Li6 v4.10 Toy-6
* Origin: The Rusty MailBox - Penticton, BC Canada (1:153/757)

George,

But, did the apple change color.

Why? The chameleon changed to match the red apple's colour. . .

Plus, he was seeing red.

I'll bet his jokes were really colorful.

But not off-colour. . .

Q: What's brown & sounds like a bell? A: Dung.

That one stinks.

Q: What's green & smells like red paint? A: Green paint.

Substitute your favorite color...but, there's not one for plaid. :P
When I worked in silkscreen printing, we had a color chart that had to
be replaced yearly, as the fluorescent lights would discolor it. It was
known as a Pantone Matching System chart...a colorful version of PMS. :P

Q: Why is it spelled "Color" in the US but "Colour" in Britain? A:
Because after the revolutionary war, the freed United States told
Britain defiantly, "We're getting rid of you".

They talk and spell funny compared to the US. <G>

Daryl

... JavaScript: Instructions on how to make a pot of coffee.
=== MultiMail/Win v0.52
--- SBBSecho 3.15-Win32
* Origin: The Thunderbolt BBS - Little Rock, Arkansas (1:2320/33)

Q: What's green & smells like red paint? A: Green paint.

Substitute your favorite color...but, there's not one for plaid. :P
When I worked in silkscreen printing, we had a color chart that had to
be replaced yearly, as the fluorescent lights would discolor it. It was
known as a Pantone Matching System chart...a colorful version of PMS. :P

Not So useful a colour-matching chart when it no longer was the colour it was supposed to represent, eh?

They still use the Pantone charts, in some paint stores -- I guess it was a useful & enduring creation -- although I might trust a computer image better, as it won't discolour over time. . .

Q: Why is it spelled "Color" in the US but "Colour" in Britain? A:
Because after the revolutionary war, the freed United States told
Britain defiantly, "We're getting rid of you".

They talk and spell funny compared to the US. <G>

Umm, yeah, they somehow, prior to to the existence of the US, botched the language?

I like the meme that plays on the oft-seen Chinese translation: "Simplified / Traditional" by saying:
English:
Traditional (UK flag)
Simplified (US Flag)

Canada is a funny one; we spell UK, bit pronounce US.

Australia has their own words; whatever looks right after 8 pints of warm pissy tasting beer is valid & defend to their death anyone's disagreement of your rendition.

Irish English is what you get after getting hammered on Guinness Stout then getting into a dozen bar fights

Fitzhenry & Fitzpatrick were in court, answering to charges of fighting in a local pub.

The judge asked Fitzpatrick what instigated the fight & he answered, "Well, your honour, he had a broken beer bottle in his left hand, & a knife in his right."

"& what did you have yin your hand?" asked hizzonner

"Mrs. Fitzhenry's tit, & a fine thing it was sir, but not much good in a fight, I'll tell ya."

--- BBBS/Li6 v4.10 Toy-6
* Origin: The Rusty MailBox - Penticton, BC Canada (1:153/757)

George,

Not So useful a colour-matching chart when it no longer was the colour
it was supposed to represent, eh?

The fluorescent lights caused the colors to fade.

They still use the Pantone charts, in some paint stores -- I guess it
was a useful & enduring creation -- although I might trust a computer image better, as it won't discolour over time. . .

That is true.

Umm, yeah, they somehow, prior to to the existence of the US, botched
the language?

Pardon me, I speak doofus. <G>

Canada is a funny one; we spell UK, bit pronounce US.

One letter does make the difference.

Australia has their own words; whatever looks right after 8 pints of
warm pissy tasting beer is valid & defend to their death anyone's disagreement of your rendition.

Everyone is entitled to my opinion. <G>

Irish English is what you get after getting hammered on Guinness Stout then getting into a dozen bar fights

When someone talked about the Grinch messing with the Christmas gifts on
a ham radio net last night, I growled "I resemble that remark". I said that
I sent Santa a letter saying "Define Naughty"...he's skipping my place. <G>

Fitzhenry & Fitzpatrick were in court, answering to charges of fighting
in a local pub.

The judge asked Fitzpatrick what instigated the fight & he answered, "Well, your honour, he had a broken beer bottle in his left hand, & a knife in his right."

"& what did you have yin your hand?" asked hizzonner

"Mrs. Fitzhenry's tit, & a fine thing it was sir, but not much good in
a fight, I'll tell ya."

Thanks for the mammaries, it was the breast of times, for a titilating experience, just to get the booby prize, bra none. <G>

It's Monday...time to be in a nether mood. <G>

Daryl

... Bad Day: You put your bra on backwards, and it fits better.
=== MultiMail/Win v0.52
--- SBBSecho 3.15-Win32
* Origin: The Thunderbolt BBS - Little Rock, Arkansas (1:2320/33)

Welcome to another edition of the Metric Dozen Punnies & Funnies, personally curated by
yours truly, the Cyberpope, Bishop of ROM.

Please do comment as to which you loved & which you hated. . .

Also, at any time, let me know if you're done with receiving these. Because you're a mate, I
won't even charge you my usual $19.00 cancellation fee! ;)

-= 1 =-
Q: What was the mathematical acorn's first word, twenty years after falling from his parent?
A: Geometry ("Gee, I'm a tree!")

-= 2 =-
Funny clean comic; he hits the points just right -- beautiful timing throughout "I am an Idiot" -- Ken Davis full show https://youtu.be/PP-NdFvRBEI

-= 3 =-
Redd Foxx on why he likes women over the age of 40: They don't yell, they don't tell, they don't swell, & they're grateful as hell.

-= 4 =-
Some ethnic jokes reworded
Shout out to Prime Minister Justin True-Dope of Canada Q: Did you hear about the politician Santa Claus? A: He showed up for Easter!
Q: How many politicians do you need to shingle your roof? A: Just 9, if you slice them real thin
& just one more. . .
An Irishman, an Italian and a politician are on death row, awaiting electrocution.
The warden takes the first man, and asks him if he has any last words.
He says, 'I'm
innocent. Perhaps years from now, evidence will show I"m telling the truth'.
The warden says, 'Yeah, yeah, yeah, that's what they all say. I was
hoping you would say
something so that the family of the man that you killed, would have some closure'.
They strap the Irishman into the chair, and the warden tells them to
throw the switch.
Nothing happens. The executioner wiggles the handle, throws the switch
again, nothing.
The warden comes down, and says, 'That was a million to one chance; but,
you know the
rules, you survived the execution, so you will now go free'.
The Irishman is ecstatic, gets up shakes the warden's hand, and says,
'See, I told you! God
has saved me because I'm innocent! I will dedicate the rest of my life, to helping spread the
word of god, I will only do good works from now on Thank you, sir, I'm very lucky to have had
this second chance in life'.
Then they walk the Italian in; again the warden asks if he has any final words.
The Italian says, 'I'm an innocent; yoosa making a big mistake'.
The warden shakes it off, and says, 'Yeah, I've heard that one
before'.
They strap him into the chair, and throw the switch. Again, nothing,
again and again.
The warden comes in, and says, 'This is amazing; this the second time in
a row that this has
happened; it has to be a billion to one chance. It must be a sign from god that you're telling
the truth. I'm sorry I doubted you. You may go free'.
The Italian gets up, joyful, tear in his eyes, and says, 'Thanka you
thanka you thanka you!
I'a wasa so ascared, anda yet, chance hasa smiled ona me! He gets up and leaves.
Then they bring in the politician. The warden again asks, 'Do you have
any final words?'
The politician says, 'Yes. But first, look, that chair is unplugged'.

-= 5 =-
Got my sister's whole family with my dumb owl joke, with a bonus follow up groaner
Me: I don't wanna alarm anyone, but I think someone in this room might be an owl.

Sisters kids: Who? WHO?

Me: gasp OH NO IT'S WORSE THAN I THOUGHT!

cue 2 hours of 4 small kids running around the house like nutcases screaming who at each
other

Sister: You don't get to tell my kids dad jokes anymore. You're not even a dad

Me: I'm a faux pas.

-= 6 =-
A Cyberpope original:

Q: What's a duck's favourite actor? A: AFFLECK!

-= 7 =-
Q: What's the difference between coffee and urine? A: About 35 minutes

-= 8 =-
Responding to a Christian spouse that says, during an argument, "Let he who is without sin
cast the first stone."

Then you say, "Jesus is my Lord and I am SANCTIFIED!" as you crack them across the head
with a 2-pound rock!

-= 9 =-
"A lot of sh** went between them; they were apart for a long time, but now they are back
together."
"Who, Brad Pitt & Jennifer Aniston?"
"Nope, my butt cheeks."

-= 10 =-
Saw these ladies on Montreal's Just for Laughs this week & rather liked the tune & the silly
funniness of the traditional English poem set to folk-y music: https://genius.com/Flo-and-joan-lady-in-the-woods-live-lyrics
(scroll to bottom to find vid link or go to the YouTube vid: https://youtu.be/_EzdloMKkDg

--- BBBS/Li6 v4.10 Toy-6
* Origin: The Rusty MailBox - Penticton, BC Canada (1:153/757)

Please do comment as to which you loved & which you hated. . .

...snip...

"Duuude! I get it -- May-December romances are wonderful for December,

because

May is young, fresh, like spring, but what do YOU get out of December?"
"Christmas!" Jake said, with a cheeky, knowing, grin.

This one was my favorite. The one caveat is that, once you get to the age where you yourself are getting nearer December, it will go from being "Christmas!" to a Christmas where you get socks. ;)

My feet are always cold -- socks sounds good, actually!

Everybody has holes in their socks. That's how you get them over your feet.

Q: What kind of socks do Pandas wear? A: None, they have bear feet.

Q: What did the hat say to the sock? A: I'll go on a head, & you can follow, on foot.

Did you hear about the sock divorce? One always had to be right, and so the other left.



--- BBBS/Li6 v4.10 Toy-7
* Origin: The Rusty MailBox - Penticton, BC Canada (1:153/757)

"Duuude! I get it -- May-December romances are wonderful for December,

because

May is young, fresh, like spring, but what do YOU get out of December?"
"Christmas!" Jake said, with a cheeky, knowing, grin.

This one was my favorite. The one caveat is that, once you get to the age where you yourself are getting nearer December, it will go from being "Christmas!" to a Christmas where you get socks. ;)

It gets easier with age, for the mam, as he just gets his wife to do a headstand, then drops it in! Worked for my honeymoon!

--- BBBS/Li6 v4.10 Toy-7
* Origin: The Rusty MailBox - Penticton, BC Canada (1:153/757)

Please do comment as to which you loved & which you hated. . .

...snip...

"Duuude! I get it -- May-December romances are wonderful for December,

because

May is young, fresh, like spring, but what do YOU get out of December?"
"Christmas!" Jake said, with a cheeky, knowing, grin.

This one was my favorite. The one caveat is that, once you get to the age where you yourself are getting nearer December, it will go from being "Christmas!" to a Christmas where you get socks. ;)

BTW, you omitted a newly posted/included joke in your reply. . .

It has been observed that the problem with Viagra is the women you're now capable of boinking & have a shot at, are a waste of whatever the damned pill costs!

There needs to be a geriaphilic prostitute who carries her own supply of Viagra, and to keep the duffers feeling "cool" she sells them as Ecstacy.

old man: whaaaa?
Her: oh, that's a sometime side effect of X. . . don't worry about it, let me help you out there. . .
OM: SHAZAAAAMMMM!!!!

Irish daughter had not been home for over 5 years. Upon her return her Father cursed her heavily.

'Where have ye been all this time, child? Why did ye not write to us, not even a line? Why didn't ye call? Can ye not understand what ye put yer old Mother through?'

The girl, crying, replied, Dad... I became a prostitute.'

'Ye what!? Get out a here, ye shameless harlot! Sinner! You're a disgrace to this Catholic family.'

'OK, Dad... as ye wish. I only came back to give mum this luxurious fur coat, title deed to a ten bedroom mansion, plus a 5 million savings certificate. For me little brother, this gold Rolex. And for ye Daddy, the sparkling new Mercedes limited edition convertible that's parked outside plus a membership to the country club ... (takes a breath) ... and an invitation for ye all to spend New Year's Eve on board my new yacht in the Riviera.'

'What was it ye said ye had become?' says Dad.

Girl, crying again, 'A prostitute, Daddy!.'

'Oh! My Goodness! Ye scared me half to death, girl! I thought ye said a Protestant! Come here and give yer old Dad a hug !!!

Meanwhile, in Mnew Jersey:

"Dad! I just whored myself and last night I made $1200 and 25 cents!"

"What cheap sunnavabish gave you a quarter?!"

"THEY AALLLLLLLL DID!"

--- BBBS/Li6 v4.10 Toy-7
* Origin: The Rusty MailBox - Penticton, BC Canada (1:153/757)

Also, at any time, let me know if you're done with receiving these.
Because you're a mate, I won't even charge you my usual $19.00
cancelation fee! ;)

$19?? What about depreciation?? Shouldn't it be 19 cents?? <g,d,r>

Deprecation is calculated annually, based on standard rates as calculated using GAAPs.

Being as these posts occur about monthly or so, there's no depreciation to be applied.

Sorry, that's $25 now ($6 A.T. for asking for a discount)

Work is also a nasty 4 letter word.

[I've been saying this next one for years, but HE gets the credit?!]

And, he's getting paid more money than you are.

Likely, being as I just got laid off for economy reasons. But got 2.5X the required severance, so that's held us over the initial bump of a missing paycheque, but now I'm out looking & nobody wants to hire an old male cripple -
- I'm hitting a couple boxes for being PC, but then I'm losing on a couple, so it's screw you to me. .

If I were a young black crippled woman, I'd be in the running to be Prime Minister in this fall's federal election!

"The only gracious way to accept an insult is to ignore it; if you
can't ignore it, top it; if you can't top it, laugh at it; if you can't
laugh at it, it's probably deserved." --Russell Lynes

Just like the celebrity roasts...you can find a lot of those on YouTube.

I've got most of the Comedy Central ones downloaded as torrents. Always good for some laughs. Seen the Trump one?

I should've been on the panel: "You're a fat old orange bastard!

"... They say you only roast the ones you love; in this case, making the exception, I say I roast the one whom I'm being paid cash to do so, plus flight
& hotel to be here."

Oh I guess I should've prefaced my roast with "quote, unquote from the American public"

eventually, they'll do the same to 4G, to try to get (force) folks to
upgrade to 5G. The thing is, not everyone has a ton of money lying
around to upgrade their phone on a whim. I'm a firm believer in "If it
ain't broke, don't fix it". Why folks have to always have the latest
and greatest item, is beyond me.

"Keeping up with the Joneses," IOW: covetousness, greed, & envy.

I was raised to not be concerned with what my brother had or didn't have nor what neighbour kids had or didn't & whether or not I measured up. I learned to simply look at what I have and be thankful.

Now, I think it's considered an imprisonable crime if you try to teach your kids this, as you're deemed to be stealing from the corporate overlords.

Well, I don't work for them, so f them & their profit margins, actually, take their big display boards at their board meeting, fold them up & f them WITH their bottom lines! If there's no blood to clean up, you did it wrong.

"Scientists believe the first modern Europeans mated with Neanderthals.
This is the oldest evidence yet of beer goggles." -Conan O'Brien

They were probably drunk as coots as well.

This is the classic definition of beer goggles.

"Life in Lubbock, Texas taught me two things: One is that God loves you
and you're going to burn in hell. The other is that sex is the most
awful, filthy thing on earth, and you should save it for someone you
love." -Butch Hancock

Never mind a hot time in the old town tonight.

Or an old time in the hot tub?

[Roombas]

Sure looks that way. Next, it'll send pictures as you enter and leave
the shower, naked as a jaybird.

I'm pretty sure this is already a thing; according to an uncensored Google video search, anyhow. . .

I would say so. However, at a nudist wedding, you can always tell who
the blind man is...because it's not hard.

Makes more sense in the original format: Q: Is it easy to tell who the blind man is at a nudist wedding? A: It's not hard.

Also, at a nude wedding, you can easily tell who the BEST man is!

Seinfeld & I say: if he's the best man why is she marrying HIM?

That's the new language...although BBSing had first dibs on it with emoticons.

Yup, I helped fill out & disseminate those early AOL lists, including putting the Cyberpopicon in them (see sig)

At first I used: +-:-{)} until someone pointed out that the pope wears a mitre, & she suggested the current version: <+]:-{)} If Io go back to wearing glasses, there'll be four eyes. & if & when I shave, then the beard & 'stache go away on my cyberpopicon. I've since added a kippa(yarmulka) which is a Jewish man's reminder, all day, that God is infinite & is above & watching us. Helps keep us better behaved; apparently the women weren't deemed to need this reminder, as God is always with them (in using the monthly bleeds to keep the women pure & unto Himself.); they were never unclean as in dirty, as the limited English translations suggest, but "ritually separated from men"; the translators didn't want to do more than a one-for-one word translation even when it's obviously unwarranted (like when they called bats "bats & other birds"

"So you want the nice romantic evening in my room?" says the old man.
"Get serious," she replies. "Four times in the rocking chair!"

Never mind rock around the cock. :P

I now know more about Bill Haley than I ever needed to!

cose. We speak of a brother and also of brethren, but though we say
mother, we never say methren. Then the masculine pronouns are he, his
and him, but imagine the feminine, she, shis and shim.

Semantics and details.

Semantics & details fuel human discourse. . . (when alcohol is unavailable at a fair(cheap) price. . .)

Mother Superior announced at the convent that they had found a case
of gonorrhea. One blonde says "Oh, Thank God!! I'm so sick of Chardonnay!!"

Mother Superior: Girls. I know a man was in the rooms last night 99 nuns: "GASP!"
1 nun: "teeheehee"

MS: I found there was a condom in one of your rooms. 99: "GASP!"
1: "teeheehee"

MS: It had been USED!
99: "GASP!"
1" "teeheehee"

MS: There was a hole in the condom! 99: "teeheehee"
1: "GASP!"

"Why?" says the other. "That guy knew four languages, and it didn't do
him any good."

In south Florida, if you don't know Spanish, you'll have a hard time
getting around.

I'm illiterate in hundreds of languages but I speak/understand about sixty.

Think about it: the first athlete to take a knee was Tanya Harding!
(~#~adapted from a Sid Davis joke)

I thought it was Nancy Kerrigan.

Who took whose knee out?

Waka waka bang splat tick tick hash, Caret quote back-tick dollar
dollar dash, Bang splat equal at dollar under-score, Percent splat waka
waka tilde number four, Ampersand bracket bracket dot dot slash,
Vertical-bar curly-bracket comma comma CRASH!

The new language.

Not so new, i think I colleterd that one in here about thirty years ago, or I posted it in here then, after seeing it in a Reader's Digest? I dunno -- I'm old, tired, & cranky now. Just call me Walter! (but unlike Walter I actually love & appreciate my wife!)

There's one day a year that Jews do not eat, it's called Yom Kippur.
The Irish have this, too, it's called Saint Patrick's Day!

I saw a T-Shirt and card once for St. Patrick's Day. It said on the
front "To all my friends, Kiss Me, I'm Irish". Then, on the inside,
you see the guy's butt, with the words "To all my enemies, Kiss Me,
I'm Irish". :P

I used to have two buttons:
1: "Kiss me, I'm Irish"
2: "Irish for a day."

So nobody thinks I'm actually lying about my ethnicity just to get kisses (it actually works & I usually collected more than my share of pretty girl kisses)

I'm married now, so that game has come to an end. . .

I've yet to have the balls to try some thing s buddy of mine did back in the 1960s: go door-to-door, wearing green & a leprechaun's hat, holding out a triple-sized shot glass & saying, "Trick or Drink"; said he never once got to the end of the block walking straight the last half!

He said literally EVERYONE has a bottle of some thing hidden away in an upper cupboard, even the Mormons, Mennonites, & Baptists!

Jews don't recognize Jesus as their Messiah. Christians don't recognize the Quran as their Bible Mormons don't recognize each other in the liquor store.

Never take a Southern Baptist fishing in the boat with you. Why not?
He'll drink all your beer.

Thee are stories I've heard, I mean no offense to anyone. . .

Of course!

--- BBBS/Li6 v4.10 Toy-7
* Origin: The Rusty MailBox - Penticton, BC Canada (1:153/757)

George,

Son: Dad I've finally decided what area I'm going into when i grow up!
Dad: Which? Son: I've researched my options & Organised Crime seems my
best option at providing for your grandchildren. Dad: Organised Crime,
eh? Nice. Which kind, government or Mafia?

Really.

So I heard; I bet you'd get arrested less often as part of the MAFIA sort than the government sort. . . but you get richer with the latter. . .

An old mafia boss was at the end of his life

[Longish]
He knew he didn't have much time left to live and he was getting worried about where he might end up after his death if he did not get absolution for his sins. He had been a very evil person and he knew that any old village priest would not be able to do the job so instead he arranged a meeting with the pope in Rome.

The pope listened to all the sins the mafia boss had committed. "I can give you absolution for your sins," the pope said "but let me be honest. It will take a lot of work and it is going to cost you"

The pope took out his calculator, added the numbers and answered.

"Fifty million dollars" the pope said.

That was a lot of money to the mafia boss. He had known it was going to be expensive but he had not expected it to be that expensive.

He decided to get another offer so he arranged a meeting with the patriarch in Moscow. The patriarch listened to his sins, nodded and poured himself another glass of vodka. "I can give you absolution for your sins" he said "but let me be honest. It will take a lot of work and it is going to cost you"

The patriarch took out his calculator, added the numbers and answered.

"Twenty million dollars" the patriarch said.

That was sill a lot of money so the mafia boss decided to get a third offer and arranged a meeting with the chief rabbi in Jerusalem. The chief rabbi listened to his sins and said "I can give you absolution for your sins, no problem".

"How much will it cost me?" the mafia boss asked.

The chief rabbi took out his calculator, added the numbers and answered

"Two hundred dollars" he said.

"The pope in Rome wanted fifty million dollars and the patriarch in Moscow wanted twenty million. How can you do it so cheap?" the mafia boss asked.

"Oh that's easy," the chief rabbi answered "we call at local rates"

--- BBBS/Li6 v4.10 Toy-7
* Origin: The Rusty MailBox - Penticton, BC Canada (1:153/757)

George,

Not tonight, dear, I have a BBS to logon to. :P
Sleep is for the BBS-modem-deprived. Real nerds monitor all echoes
until the last message is replied to.

But, I don't have room for my computer in the bathroom.

Theres a reason that on the 12th day God created laptops, tablets, & smartphones!

Three male programmers were in the bathroom standing at the urinals.

The first programmer finishes, walks over to the sink to wash his hands. He then proceeds to dry his hands very carefully. He uses paper towel after paper towel and ensures that every single spot of water on his hands is dried.

Turning to the other two, he says, "At Windows, we are trained to be extremely thorough."

The second programmer finishes his task at the urinal and he proceeds to wash his hands. He uses a single paper towel and makes sure that he dries his hands using every available portion of the paper towel.

He turns and says, "At Macintosh not only are we trained to be extremely thorough but we are also trained to be extremely efficient."

The third programmer finished and walks straight for the door, shouting over his shoulder.

We Linux users simply don`t piss on our hands."

--- BBBS/Li6 v4.10 Toy-7
* Origin: The Rusty MailBox - Penticton, BC Canada (1:153/757)