A Few Thoughts For Those Who Take Life Too Seriously:

Madness takes its toll; please have exact change...

We just bought a microwave fireplace...
We can spend an entire evening in front of it in only eight minutes.

Is a book on voyeurism a peeping tome?

Sea captains don't like crew cuts.

Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?

A successful diet is the triumph of mind over platter.

Two banks with different rates have a conflict of interest.

A gossip is someone with a great sense of rumor.

She criticized my apartment, so I knocked her flat.

Without geometry, life is pointless.

When you dream in color, it's a pigment of your imagination.

Reading whilst sunbathing makes you well-red.

When two egotists meet, it's an I for an I.

To be arrested without a visa is a borderline infraction.

Did you know that manufacturing contact lenses is harder than meets
the eye?

Or that there was a guy who was fired from the orange juice
factory for lack of concentration?

For a REAL sponge cake, BORROW all the ingredients.

Everyone knows that auctions speak louder than words, but you must
be careful when you attend. The guy in charge can hear you bid even
if you don't speak. I guess it's one place where you can still get
something for nodding. Of course you will have to stay to the bidder end.

The vegetable never taken aboard ship is a leek.

The doctor who treats anorexics says, "My patients is wearing thin."

Cloned leopards could not hunt their own food in the wild, for they
were only copy cats.

If cats could read they would paws after each claws.

Save the whales. Collect the whole set.

A day without sunshine is like, night.

On the other hand, you have different fingers.

42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.
99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

I feel like I'm diagonally parked in a parallel universe.

Honk if you love peace and quiet.

Remember, half the people you know are below average.

He who laughs last thinks slowest.

Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.

The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.

Support bacteria. They're the only culture some people have.

Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7 of your week.

A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

Change is inevitable, except from vending machines.

Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow.

Always try to be modest, and be proud of it!

If you think nobody cares, try missing a couple of payments.

How many of you believe in telekinesis? Raise my hand...

OK, so what's the speed of dark?

How do you tell when you're out of invisible ink?

If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked
something.

When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.

Everyone has a photographic memory. Some just don't have film.

If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?

Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.

What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

I used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out.

I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.

Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?

Inside every older person is a younger person wondering what the heck
happened.

Why does the gynecologist/doctor leave the room when you get undressed?

If a person owns a piece of land do they own it all
the way down to the core of the earth?

Why can't women put on mascara with their mouth closed?

Why is it called Alcoholics Anonymous when the first
thingyou do is stand up and say, 'My name is Bob, and I
am an alcoholic'?

Why are they called stairs inside but steps outside?

If croutons are stale bread, why do they come in airtight packages?

Why does mineral water that 'has trickled through
mountains for centuries have a 'use by' date?

Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the
toast to a horrible crisp no-one would eat?

Is French kissing in France just called kissing?

Who was the first person to look at a cow and say,
'I think I'll squeeze these dangly things here and
drink whatever comes out'?

What do people in China call their good plates?

If the professor on Gilligan's Island can make a
radio out of a coconut, why can't he fix a hole in a boat?

Why is it thgat the sun lightens our hair, but darkens our skin?

Why can't women put on mascara with their mouth closed?

Why don't you ever see the headline "Psychic Wins Lottery"?

Why is "abbreviated" such a long word?

Why is it that doctors call what they do "practice"?

Why is it that to stop Windows 98, you have to click on "Start"?

Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor and dishwashing liquid
made with real lemons?

Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?

Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?

Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?

When dog food is new and improved tasting, who tests it?

Why didn't Noah swat those two mosquitoes?

Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?

You know that indestructible black box that is used on airplanes? Why
don't they make the whole plane out of that stuff?

Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?

Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?

If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?

If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal??

Does a clean house indicate that there is a broken computer in it?

Why is it that no matter what color of bubble bath you use the bubbles are always white?

Is there ever a day when mattresses are NOT on sale?

Why do people constantly return to the refrigerator with the hopes that something new to eat will have materialized?

On electric toasters, why do they engrave the message 'one slice'? How
many pieces of bread do they think people are really gonna try to stuff in
that slot?

Why do people keep running over a string a dozen times with their vacuum cleaner, then reach down, pick it up, examine it, then put it down to give their vacuum one more chance?

Why is it that no plastic garbage bag will open from the end you first
try?

How do those dead bugs get into closed light fixtures?

Why do we wash BATH towels? Aren't we clean when we use them? If not then
what was the purpose of the bath?

Considering all the lint you get in your dryer, if
you kept drying your clothes would they eventually just disappear?

Why is it that when you're walking up the stairs and you get to the top
you always think there's still one more step?

Why is it that whenever you attempt to catch something that's falling off
the table you always manage to knock something else over?

Is it true that the only difference between a yard sale and a trash pickup
is how close to the road the stuff! is placed?

In winter, why do we try to keep the house as warm as it was in summer
when we complained about the heat?

Why do women always ask questions that have no right answers?

Why do old men wear their pants higher than younger men?

Why is it that inside every older person is a younger person wondering
what the heck happened?

If diamonds are a girl's best friend and a dog is man's best friend, who
really is the dumber sex?

Why are the needy only thought of during the holidays? Aren't they just as needy throughout the rest of the year?

Why is it that men can react to broken bones as 'just a sprain' and deep
wounds as 'just a scratch', but when they get the sniffles they are deathly
ill 'with the flu' and have to be bedridden for weeks?

How come we never hear any father-in-law jokes?

Why do men forget everything and women remember everything?

Do Chinese people get hungry an hour after they eat American food?

Shouldn't all married men forget their mistakes? After all there's no
sense in two people remembering the same things right?

Is the real reason women live longer then men because they don't have to
live with women?

If at first you don't succeed, shouldn't you try doing it like your wife
told you to?
--- SBBSecho 3.14-Win32
* Origin: The Thunderbolt BBS - Little Rock, Arkansas (1:2320/33)

A Few Thoughts For Those Who Take Life Too Seriously:

Madness takes its toll; please have exact change...

We just bought a microwave fireplace...
We can spend an entire evening in front of it in only eight minutes.

Is a book on voyeurism a peeping tome?

Sea captains don't like crew cuts.

Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?

A successful diet is the triumph of mind over platter.

Two banks with different rates have a conflict of interest.

A gossip is someone with a great sense of rumor.

She criticized my apartment, so I knocked her flat.

Without geometry, life is pointless.

When you dream in color, it's a pigment of your imagination.

Reading whilst sunbathing makes you well-red.

When two egotists meet, it's an I for an I.

To be arrested without a visa is a borderline infraction.

Did you know that manufacturing contact lenses is harder than meets
the eye?

Or that there was a guy who was fired from the orange juice
factory for lack of concentration?

For a REAL sponge cake, BORROW all the ingredients.

Everyone knows that auctions speak louder than words, but you must
be careful when you attend. The guy in charge can hear you bid even
if you don't speak. I guess it's one place where you can still get
something for nodding. Of course you will have to stay to the bidder end.

The vegetable never taken aboard ship is a leek.

The doctor who treats anorexics says, "My patients is wearing thin."

Cloned leopards could not hunt their own food in the wild, for they
were only copy cats.

If cats could read they would paws after each claws.

Save the whales. Collect the whole set.

A day without sunshine is like, night.

On the other hand, you have different fingers.

42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.
99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

I feel like I'm diagonally parked in a parallel universe.

Honk if you love peace and quiet.

Remember, half the people you know are below average.

He who laughs last thinks slowest.

Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.

The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.

Support bacteria. They're the only culture some people have.

Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7 of your week.

A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

Change is inevitable, except from vending machines.

Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow.

Always try to be modest, and be proud of it!

If you think nobody cares, try missing a couple of payments.

How many of you believe in telekinesis? Raise my hand...

OK, so what's the speed of dark?

How do you tell when you're out of invisible ink?

If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked
something.

When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.

Everyone has a photographic memory. Some just don't have film.

If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?

Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.

What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

I used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out.

I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.

Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?

Inside every older person is a younger person wondering what the heck
happened.

Why does the gynecologist/doctor leave the room when you get undressed?

If a person owns a piece of land do they own it all
the way down to the core of the earth?

Why can't women put on mascara with their mouth closed?

Why is it called Alcoholics Anonymous when the first
thingyou do is stand up and say, 'My name is Bob, and I
am an alcoholic'?

Why are they called stairs inside but steps outside?

If croutons are stale bread, why do they come in airtight packages?

Why does mineral water that 'has trickled through
mountains for centuries have a 'use by' date?

Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the
toast to a horrible crisp no-one would eat?

Is French kissing in France just called kissing?

Who was the first person to look at a cow and say,
'I think I'll squeeze these dangly things here and
drink whatever comes out'?

What do people in China call their good plates?

If the professor on Gilligan's Island can make a
radio out of a coconut, why can't he fix a hole in a boat?

Why is it thgat the sun lightens our hair, but darkens our skin?

Why can't women put on mascara with their mouth closed?

Why don't you ever see the headline "Psychic Wins Lottery"?

Why is "abbreviated" such a long word?

Why is it that doctors call what they do "practice"?

Why is it that to stop Windows 98, you have to click on "Start"?

Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor and dishwashing liquid
made with real lemons?

Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?

Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?

Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?

When dog food is new and improved tasting, who tests it?

Why didn't Noah swat those two mosquitoes?

Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?

You know that indestructible black box that is used on airplanes? Why
don't they make the whole plane out of that stuff?

Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?

Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?

If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?

If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal??

Does a clean house indicate that there is a broken computer in it?

Why is it that no matter what color of bubble bath you use the bubbles are always white?

Is there ever a day when mattresses are NOT on sale?

Why do people constantly return to the refrigerator with the hopes that something new to eat will have materialized?

On electric toasters, why do they engrave the message 'one slice'? How
many pieces of bread do they think people are really gonna try to stuff in
that slot?

Why do people keep running over a string a dozen times with their vacuum cleaner, then reach down, pick it up, examine it, then put it down to give their vacuum one more chance?

Why is it that no plastic garbage bag will open from the end you first
try?

How do those dead bugs get into closed light fixtures?

Why do we wash BATH towels? Aren't we clean when we use them? If not then
what was the purpose of the bath?

Considering all the lint you get in your dryer, if
you kept drying your clothes would they eventually just disappear?

Why is it that when you're walking up the stairs and you get to the top
you always think there's still one more step?

Why is it that whenever you attempt to catch something that's falling off
the table you always manage to knock something else over?

Is it true that the only difference between a yard sale and a trash pickup
is how close to the road the stuff! is placed?

In winter, why do we try to keep the house as warm as it was in summer
when we complained about the heat?

Why do women always ask questions that have no right answers?

Why do old men wear their pants higher than younger men?

Why is it that inside every older person is a younger person wondering
what the heck happened?

If diamonds are a girl's best friend and a dog is man's best friend, who
really is the dumber sex?

Why are the needy only thought of during the holidays? Aren't they just as needy throughout the rest of the year?

Why is it that men can react to broken bones as 'just a sprain' and deep
wounds as 'just a scratch', but when they get the sniffles they are deathly
ill 'with the flu' and have to be bedridden for weeks?

How come we never hear any father-in-law jokes?

Why do men forget everything and women remember everything?

Do Chinese people get hungry an hour after they eat American food?

Shouldn't all married men forget their mistakes? After all there's no
sense in two people remembering the same things right?

Is the real reason women live longer then men because they don't have to
live with women?

If at first you don't succeed, shouldn't you try doing it like your wife
told you to?
--- SBBSecho 3.14-Win32
* Origin: The Thunderbolt BBS - Little Rock, Arkansas (1:2320/33)

From the August, 2022 issue of "The Radiogram", the newsletter of the PCARS (Portage County Amateur Radio Club) in Ravenna, Ohio. Tom "Parky" Parkinson, KB8UUZ, is the Editor.

* Whoever said that the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over
and over again and expecting different results has obviously never had to
reboot a computer.

* Autocorrect can go straight to he'll.

* Did you hear about the monkeys who shared an Amazon account? They were
Prime mates.

* Don't use "beef stew" as a computer password. It's not stroganoff.

* Q. What is the biggest lie in the entire universe?
A. "I have read and agree to the Terms & Conditions."

* Why are iPhone chargers not called Apple Juice?!

* Q. How does a computer get drunk?
A. It takes screenshots.

* I just got fired from my job at the keyboard factory. They told me
I wasn't putting in enough shifts.

* We'll we'll we'll...if it isn't autocorrect.

* I tried to say, "I'm a functional adult," but my phone changed it to
"fictional adult," and I feel like that's more accurate.

* I saw a driver texting and driving. It made me so mad I threw my beer
at him.

* Thanks to autocorrect, 1 in 5 children will be getting a visit from
Satan this Christmas.

* Autocorrect has become my worst enema.

* The guy who invented auto-correct for smart phones passed away today.
Restaurant in peace.

* You're sending me something via fax? What is it, an important document
from 1993?

* You know it is going to be a bad day when the letters in your alphabet
soup spell D-I-S-A-S-T-E-R.

* A fire hydrant has H-2-O on the inside and K-9-P on the outside.

* Did you hear about the crook who stole a calendar? He got twelve months.

* Q. What's the difference between ignorance and apathy?
A. I don't know and I don't care.

* Did you hear about the semi-colon that broke the law? He was given
two consecutive sentences.

* I ate a clock yesterday, it was very time-consuming.

* So what if I don't know what "Armageddon" means?
It's not the end of the world.

* I woke up this morning and forgot which side the sun rises from,
then it dawned on me.

* Velcro - what a rip-off!

* Don't you hate it when someone answers their own questions? I do.

* I recently decided to sell my vacuum cleaner as all it was doing
was gathering dust.

* 250 lbs here on Earth is 94.5 lbs on Mercury. No, I'm not fat.
I'm just not on the right planet.

* The best thing about good old days is that we were neither good nor old.

* If we shouldn't eat at night, why do they put a light in the fridge?

* Moses had the first tablet that could connect to the cloud.

* One of the shortest wills ever written: "Being of sound mind, I spent
all the money."

* When my 85-year-old father was in the hospital, his doctor, trying to
determine Dad's mental state, asked, "What gets you up in the morning?"
My father shrugged. "Probably the same thing as everyone. I have to go
to the bathroom."

* If the local coffee shop has awarded you "Employee of the Month" and
you don't even work there, you may be drinking too much coffee.
--- SBBSecho 3.15-Win32
* Origin: The Thunderbolt BBS - Little Rock, Arkansas (1:2320/33)

* Thanks to autocorrect, 1 in 5 children will be getting a visit from
Satan this Christmas.

That could put a scare into their festivities. :)

Mike


* SLMR 2.1a * Dental plan...Lisa needs braces...dental plan...Lisa...
--- SBBSecho 3.14-Linux
* Origin: capitolcityonline.net * Telnet/SSH:2022/HTTP (1:2320/105)

Good stuff! I'm leaving it intact so others who only read replies can sees it.. . :) It deserves resharing!

From the August, 2022 issue of "The Radiogram", the newsletter of the PCARS (Portage County Amateur Radio Club) in Ravenna, Ohio. Tom "Parky" Parkinson, KB8UUZ, is the Editor.

We always appreciate fair credit/citation where it's due & when it's known.

* Whoever said that the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results has obviously never had to reboot a computer.

Yup, good example of that rule of thumb going into the round file!

* Autocorrect can go straight to he'll.
* Did you hear about the monkeys who shared an Amazon account? They were Prime mates.

& Prime Apes!

* Don't use "beef stew" as a computer password. It's not stroganoff.
* Q. What is the biggest lie in the entire universe?
A. "I have read and agree to the Terms & Conditions."

Yup. . . I expect all are basically, "You must comply with common sense & respect expectations & we must comply with any laws that are in effect. Read carefully, as we might have a few doozies hidden in all the obfuscative boilerplate.

* Why are iPhone chargers not called Apple Juice?!

I'm now calling my little battery charge holders AJs. . .

* Q. How does a computer get drunk?
A. It takes screenshots.

I take screenshots of government computers & email to myself, then drink shots to celebrate my upcoming payday!

* I just got fired from my job at the keyboard factory. They told me
I wasn't putting in enough shifts.
* We'll we'll we'll...if it isn't autocorrect.

"There, their, they're," what to say as you pat the back of an upset Grammar Nazi

* I tried to say, "I'm a functional adult," but my phone changed it to "fictional adult," and I feel like that's more accurate.

Me, too! I'm living in this Ficton(setting for a fictional story/series) -- no i9dea h ow closely it relates to everyone else's Fictons &/or alternative realities. . .

* I saw a driver texting and driving. It made me so mad I threw my beer
at him.
* Thanks to autocorrect, 1 in 5 children will be getting a visit from
Satan this Christmas.

Well:
* both dress in red
* both come from a place of fire (fireplace or Hell)
* both seek to usurp God's rightful role in the world
* St. Nick, Old Nick

* Autocorrect has become my worst enema.
* The guy who invented auto-correct for smart phones passed away today. Restaurant in peace.

Lots of good ones out there; I've Collected hundreds in image(screen-captures) format.. .

* You're sending me something via fax? What is it, an important document
from 1993?

It's very sensitive info, so please fold it in half to hide the content before faxing. . .

* You know it is going to be a bad day when the letters in your alphabet
soup spell D-I-S-A-S-T-E-R.

My bologna has a last name, it's D-I-A-R-R-H-E-A.

My bologna has a first name, it's R-U-N-N-Y

* A fire hydrant has H-2-O on the inside and K-9-P on the outside.
* Did you hear about the crook who stole a calendar? He got twelve months.
* Q. What's the difference between ignorance and apathy?
A. I don't know and I don't care.
* Did you hear about the semi-colon that broke the law? He was given
two consecutive sentences.
* I ate a clock yesterday, it was very time-consuming.
* So what if I don't know what "Armageddon" means?
It's not the end of the world.

In Hebrew it's the name spelled out by the Hebrew for 666.

* I woke up this morning and forgot which side the sun rises from,
then it dawned on me.

My ex used to move around a lot in bed at night in her sleep -- I was often waking up at the crack of Dawn.

* Velcro - what a rip-off!
* Don't you hate it when someone answers their own questions? I do.

What if there were no rhetorical questions?

* I recently decided to sell my vacuum cleaner as all it was doing
was gathering dust.
* 250 lbs here on Earth is 94.5 lbs on Mercury. No, I'm not fat.
I'm just not on the right planet.
* The best thing about good old days is that we were neither good nor old.

NOSTALGIA(n): the art of remembering the 5c cigars, but forgetting the 7c wages.

* If we shouldn't eat at night, why do they put a light in the fridge?
* Moses had the first tablet that could connect to the cloud.

That brings to mind an old song:
Five Constipated Men

There were five, five, constipated men
In the Bible, in the Bible
There five, five, constipated men
In the five books of Moses

The first, first, constipated man
Was Cain, he wasn't Abel
The first, first, constipated man
Was Cain, he wasn't Abel

CHORUS

The second, second constipated man
Was Balaam, he couldn't move his ass The second, second constipated man
Was Balaam, he couldn't move his ass

CHORUS

The third, third, constipated man
Was Moses, he took two tablets
The third, third, constipated man
Was Moses, he took two tablets

CHORUS

The fourth, fourth, constipated man Was Solomon, he sat for forty years The fourth, fourth, constipated man Was Solomon, he sat for forty years

CHORUS

The fifth, fifth constipated man
Was Samson, he brought the house down The fifth, fifth constipated man
Was Samson, he brought the house down
CHORUS

(actually, there were six:
The sixth, sixth constipated man
Was Titus. His name speaks for itself)

* One of the shortest wills ever written: "Being of sound mind, I spent
all the money."

That's ine, including, "I had to earn whatever I have & I'm not so cruel as to deny doing so to all of you."

* When my 85-year-old father was in the hospital, his doctor, trying to determine Dad's mental state, asked, "What gets you up in the morning?"
My father shrugged. "Probably the same thing as everyone. I have to go
to the bathroom."

Better than only getting up to have the nurses change the sheets

* If the local coffee shop has awarded you "Employee of the Month" and
you don't even work there, you may be drinking too much coffee.

Been close. . .

--- BBBS/Li6 v4.10 Toy-6
* Origin: The Rusty MailBox - Penticton, BC Canada (1:153/757)

* Thanks to autocorrect, 1 in 5 children will be getting a visit from
Satan this Christmas.

That could put a scare into their festivities. :)

They don't care, so long as the greedy little fleeps get stuff!

--- BBBS/Li6 v4.10 Toy-6
* Origin: The Rusty MailBox - Penticton, BC Canada (1:153/757)

* Thanks to autocorrect, 1 in 5 children will be getting a visit from
Satan this Christmas.

That could put a scare into their festivities. :)

They don't care, so long as the greedy little fleeps get stuff!

That is probably, and unfortunately, true! :O :D

Mike


* SLMR 2.1a * Tongue-tied & twisted, just an Earth-bound misfit, I!
--- SBBSecho 3.14-Linux
* Origin: capitolcityonline.net * Telnet/SSH:2022/HTTP (1:2320/105)

George,

Good stuff! I'm leaving it intact so others who only read replies can
sees it.. . :) It deserves resharing!

Some of those things have the deal with "if that's not profound, I don't
know what is"...sort of like "You know it's cold outside when you go outside and it's cold". What was your first clue??!!

We always appreciate fair credit/citation where it's due & when it's known.

Exactly...I don't believe in plagiarism.

* Whoever said that the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results has obviously never had to reboot a computer.

Yup, good example of that rule of thumb going into the round file!

Error: Blue Screen Of Death. Would you like a better OS?? (Y/n)??

* Autocorrect can go straight to he'll.

And autocomplete can go straight to she'll -- as with the old comic strip "The Lockhorns", with Leroy and Loretta. She said "That's his side of the story...now, here's mine"...she had to get the last word in.

* Did you hear about the monkeys who shared an Amazon account? They were Prime mates.

& Prime Apes!

They monkey around with the photos...two items I ordered weren't what I thought they'd be. A wallet advertised with RFID (keeps your cards from being read) and a money clip (I rarely carry cash on me, so that didn't matter), didn't have "12 pockets for cards" as advertised. You'd have to get a wallet window extender (you can get those at Wal-Mart). And, a keychain LED light, while it had a USB charger for it, you had to hold the button down to keep
the light on.

* Don't use "beef stew" as a computer password. It's not stroganoff.

Per the Looney Tunes cartoon "Chow Hound" (1951)..."Anyway, you forgot
the gravy". <G>

* Q. What is the biggest lie in the entire universe?
A. "I have read and agree to the Terms & Conditions."

Yup. . . I expect all are basically, "You must comply with common sense
& respect expectations & we must comply with any laws that are in
effect. Read carefully, as we might have a few doozies hidden in all
the obfuscative boilerplate.

I remember installing software for my late Mom (I was her computer guru),
and I told her that "you just agreed to the terms and conditions"...both of
us had blank looks on our faces. :P

* Why are iPhone chargers not called Apple Juice?!

I'm now calling my little battery charge holders AJs. . .

I saw a product from Dr. Leonard's similar to that, but it would be where
you could store all your batteries. I had bought a whole slew of AA batteries for these small portable fans you can wear around the neck, but I had to also get some AAA batteries, as my forehead temporal scanner thermometer, and another item (it escapes me offhand) requires it.

* Q. How does a computer get drunk?
A. It takes screenshots.

I take screenshots of government computers & email to myself, then
drink shots to celebrate my upcoming payday!

It's nice when there's a separate utility to do that for you...just click
on the icon, size the image, tell it to save it (name and location), choose
the file type, and that's it.

* I just got fired from my job at the keyboard factory. They told me
I wasn't putting in enough shifts.
* We'll we'll we'll...if it isn't autocorrect.

"There, their, they're," what to say as you pat the back of an upset Grammar Nazi

Here, Hear. <G>

* I tried to say, "I'm a functional adult," but my phone changed it to "fictional adult," and I feel like that's more accurate.

Me, too! I'm living in this Ficton(setting for a fictional
story/series) -- no i9dea h ow closely it relates to everyone else's Fictons &/or alternative realities. . .

The substance of reality is BS -- but cows do as well, and they don't
brag about it. <G>

* I saw a driver texting and driving. It made me so mad I threw my beer
at him.
* Thanks to autocorrect, 1 in 5 children will be getting a visit from
Satan this Christmas.

Well:
* both dress in red
* both come from a place of fire (fireplace or Hell)
* both seek to usurp God's rightful role in the world
* St. Nick, Old Nick

Or the one where at her wedding, Sara Smith wore her Mom's white satan
gown. <G>

* Autocorrect has become my worst enema.
* The guy who invented auto-correct for smart phones passed away today. Restaurant in peace.

Lots of good ones out there; I've Collected hundreds in image(screen-captures) format.. .

I wonder if he took anything to go?? No, that's Miralax. <G>

* You're sending me something via fax? What is it, an important document from 1993?

It's very sensitive info, so please fold it in half to hide the content before faxing. . .

Or have it where the printing is so weak that it looks like you printed it with invisible ink, and you can't decipher it.

* You know it is going to be a bad day when the letters in your alphabet soup spell D-I-S-A-S-T-E-R.

My bologna has a last name, it's D-I-A-R-R-H-E-A.

My bologna has a first name, it's R-U-N-N-Y

Diarrhea is hereditary...it runs in your jeans.

* So what if I don't know what "Armageddon" means?
It's not the end of the world.

In Hebrew it's the name spelled out by the Hebrew for 666.

29A is the hex code for 666. One of the ham radio nets is on that
D-Star Reflector (29A), and the net is called the Digital Radio
Enthusiasts Net, or DRE -- yet, us males know that means something
completely different...courtesy of Mister Ben Dover. <G>

My ex used to move around a lot in bed at night in her sleep -- I was often waking up at the crack of Dawn.

To me, getting up before sunrise, is before the butt crack of dawn.

* Don't you hate it when someone answers their own questions? I do.

What if there were no rhetorical questions?

How about wet-oracle??

NOSTALGIA(n): the art of remembering the 5c cigars, but forgetting the
7c wages.

Just about. They take so much out of context on prices, etc., that they intentionally hide the bad things. That's the reason for all the fine print (done with ant feet) in the documentations.

* If we shouldn't eat at night, why do they put a light in the fridge?
* Moses had the first tablet that could connect to the cloud.

That brings to mind an old song:
Five Constipated Men

That was really moving to my bowels. :P Insomnia hit at 4am today, and
crap it, I couldn't get back to sleep. So, after working at the computer
for an hour, now my eyes are getting tired again...you can't win.

That's ine, including, "I had to earn whatever I have & I'm not so
cruel as to deny doing so to all of you."

Or "We're spending our children's inheritance".

Better than only getting up to have the nurses change the sheets

I usually have to call the nurse for post potty cleanup...better than
risking a fall.

* If the local coffee shop has awarded you "Employee of the Month" and
you don't even work there, you may be drinking too much coffee.

Been close. . .

Mr. Smith, your blood shows brown cells in your blood. Either you're
full of coffee or crap. :P

Daryl

... Error 63 - Can't locate coffee!! Operator Halted.
=== MultiMail/Win v0.52
--- SBBSecho 3.15-Win32
* Origin: The Thunderbolt BBS - Little Rock, Arkansas (1:2320/33)

They monkey around with the photos...two items I ordered weren't what I thought they'd be. A wallet advertised with RFID (keeps your cards from being read) and a money clip (I rarely carry cash on me, so that didn't matter), didn't have "12 pockets for cards" as advertised. You'd have to get a wallet window extender (you can get those at Wal-Mart). And, a keychain LED light, while it had a USB charger for it, you had to hold the button down to keep the light on.

That hold the btton thing isn't uncommon -- I can't stand them.

The pae is legal if the description can be said to msatch the product; if they lied. they can be blackballed by Amazon, if you report it.

We use Amazon.CA a lot -- so convenient, & cheaper than local. . .

I remember installing software for my late Mom (I was her computer guru),
and I told her that "you just agreed to the terms and conditions"...both of us had blank looks on our faces. :P

I get that with my clients when I say the same thing. They as what they just agreed to & I say, "Basically not to use the program to hurt the developer in any way & not yo use it to be an arsehole in general, plus 140 pages of random boilerplate."

* Why are iPhone chargers not called Apple Juice?!
I'm now calling my little battery charge holders AJs. . .

I saw a product from Dr. Leonard's similar to that, but it would be where
you could store all your batteries. I had bought a whole slew of AA batteries for these small portable fans you can wear around the neck, but I had to also get some AAA batteries, as my forehead temporal scanner thermometer, and another item (it escapes me offhand) requires it.

We buy the AA in boxes of 128 -- all laid out when open, & easy to pick out as needed -- nice & neat to put away until needed. Got the same in AAA recently, as we use both.

We have that forehead thermometer, too. . . I gave up on the cheapo portable fans, as they no longer have the reservoir ones where you can spritz yourself with water through the fan, making as nice spray on your sauteeing face.

The substance of reality is BS -- but cows do as well, and they don't
brag about it. <G>

Yup. . . the women love that one!

* Thanks to autocorrect, 1 in 5 children will be getting a visit from
Satan this Christmas.
Well:
* both dress in red
* both come from a place of fire (fireplace or Hell)
* both seek to usurp God's rightful role in the world
* St. Nick, Old Nick

Or the one where at her wedding, Sara Smith wore her Mom's white satan
gown. <G>

I saw a post on FB of Twitter screenshots where women were talking about how much they love their man's colon -- the musky manly smell especially. . .

29A is the hex code for 666. One of the ham radio nets is on that
D-Star Reflector (29A), and the net is called the Digital Radio
Enthusiasts Net, or DRE -- yet, us males know that means something
completely different...courtesy of Mister Ben Dover. <G>

Nope -- what is DRE in this context? Digital Rectal Examination? I've never heard it called a D.R.E. Just colonoscopy (or rectal endoscopy)

Mr. Smith, your blood shows brown cells in your blood. Either you're
full of coffee or crap. :P

Either way; some people use coffee to break constipation & to time their morning poops. I have no timing control for my nether dumps -- when it's time, it's time -- so inconvenient!

Knew a guy in a care home I was taking a class at, who had a pet cockatiel. He'd go out on the patio, hold the bird over the storm drain & say, "Poop, Sid!" & danged if that bird didn't squeeze one out!

A presidential hopeful was wondering why everyone thinks he's a bird enthusiast. His manager aid, "Well, you did say, during your San Francisco stop that you've kissed a cockatoo."

--- BBBS/Li6 v4.10 Toy-6
* Origin: The Rusty MailBox - Penticton, BC Canada (1:153/757)

George,

That hold the btton thing isn't uncommon -- I can't stand them.

Well, apparently it has a deal with 3 light levels. But, after Amazon
sent a nasty letter that one of my reviews didn't meet their guidelines,
I removed my logon credentials from the system. I also had a bad experience with eBay awhile back, and don't use them anymore, either. I've gotten so
where if I can't get it locally, I do without it.

I get that with my clients when I say the same thing. They as what
they just agreed to & I say, "Basically not to use the program to hurt the developer in any way & not yo use it to be an arsehole in general, plus 140 pages of random boilerplate."

Lawyer: One who calls a 140 page document a brief. :P

We buy the AA in boxes of 128 -- all laid out when open, & easy to pick out as needed -- nice & neat to put away until needed. Got the same in AAA recently, as we use both.

I've got more AA than AAA, but you never see an A or B battery...but you
have C and D. Then, you have the other small circular batteries for things
like hearing aids.

Speaking of which, that reminds me of the joke where the old woman in
church tells her husband "I just let an SBD fart!!", and her husband told
her "Gladys, I told you that you need to change the batteries in your
hearing aids!!". :P

We have that forehead thermometer, too. . . I gave up on the cheapo portable fans, as they no longer have the reservoir ones where you can spritz yourself with water through the fan, making as nice spray on
your sauteeing face.

That small neck fan does the job for me, especially at night. I don't
have it blowing directly on my face, but passing air (that sounds risque, doesn't it? <G>) to the rest of my anatomy.

The substance of reality is BS -- but cows do as well, and they don't
brag about it. <G>

Yup. . . the women love that one!

When my late wife had a deal with flatulence, she'd always "excuse
herself in advance". Then, when the methane stench got to our nostrils
(an indication of the trillions of bacteria in one's gut doing their
work to help digest the food), we'd say "That was a full grown adult
yipe, and it wasn't on disability!!"...and be laughing like mad. <G>

There was a study done where it was determined that everyone farts...
from as little as 15 times a day, to as much as 20 times an hour!! I
wonder how much of our tax money was spent to determine that?? But, I
also heard they were going to do a study on second hand flatulence; yet
they couldn't get any volunteers. :P

I saw a post on FB of Twitter screenshots where women were talking
about how much they love their man's colon -- the musky manly smell especially. . .

Ewwww!! That takes brown noseing (sp?) and face farts to a whole new
level. :P

Nope -- what is DRE in this context? Digital Rectal Examination? I've never heard it called a D.R.E. Just colonoscopy (or rectal endoscopy)

In this case, Digital Radio Enthusiasts for the ham radio net...but it
is digital rectal examination for the prostate check. Several years ago,
there was a new process called Urolift, approved for men with enlarged
prostate (benign prostatic hyperplasia or BPH). What they do is strip
you down and sedate you (obviously), then go up through the penis and
urethra to the prostate. Then, this device puts these clips on the lobes
of the prostate to hold them back, so the flow of urine out of the bladder isn't blocked (which is a medical emergency). The benefits of this Urolift
deal are:

1) No cutting, burning, or surgery on the prostate
2) No catheter
3) No erectile dysfunction
4) No overnight hospitalization

You will have pain and burning on urination for around 2-4 weeks, and
maybe some blood in the urine for a few days...but medication can be
prescribed for the pain, burning, and urgency. Yet, in 2 weeks, you will
notice a difference, where you aren't having to get up at night and "pee
a lot of nothing". The procedure is MRI conditional, though...so, if you
have to undergo an MRI afterwards, precautions must be taken. Now, if you
drink a lot of liquid after 5pm, you can expect to be "peeing in the
night". As the late Red Skelton noted, "Tinkling in your pants is like friendship. Everyone can see it, but only you can feel its true warmth". :P

I originally was elated with that surgery, but a bladder stone lodged
in one of the staples from the Urolift. So, they had to "undo it", and
then do a TransUrethral Resection of the Prostate (TURP), where they cut
out the center part of the prostate. I don't know why they just didn't
take it out, since I had a vasectomy done nearly 20 years ago.

Either way; some people use coffee to break constipation & to time
their morning poops. I have no timing control for my nether dumps -- when it's time, it's time -- so inconvenient!

Caffeine will move ones bowels...but what caffeine I get now is from
the chocolate chip cookies with M&M's in them. I have to have something
for my sweet tooth...and to me, a meal isn't complete without dessert.

Knew a guy in a care home I was taking a class at, who had a pet cockatiel. He'd go out on the patio, hold the bird over the storm
drain & say, "Poop, Sid!" & danged if that bird didn't squeeze one
out!

Wow. I saw a meme, where it was a very cold day, and you could see
the steam coming out of the birds butt as he farted.

A presidential hopeful was wondering why everyone thinks he's a bird enthusiast. His manager aid, "Well, you did say, during your San
Francisco stop that you've kissed a cockatoo."

Sounds like more than one pecker. :P

I had forgotten last night was the second Tuesday, and it was time for
a Windows Update. Then, there was a potential for storms overnight. When
I went to try to bring things back up Wednesday morning, I couldn't
connect to the internet, which shut everything offline. I thought the
router had been fried by one of Microsoft's Updates (it wouldn't surprise
me), so I spent nearly an hour resetting and reprogramming the router for
the LAN. I seem to have done everything right, as it looks like all is
working now.

Daryl

... "AEIOUEIAUO" - sorry, I have uncontrolled vowel movements.
=== MultiMail/Win v0.52
--- SBBSecho 3.15-Win32
* Origin: The Thunderbolt BBS - Little Rock, Arkansas (1:2320/33)

George,

That hold the btton thing isn't uncommon -- I can't stand them.

Well, apparently it has a deal with 3 light levels. But, after Amazon
sent a nasty letter that one of my reviews didn't meet their guidelines,
I removed my logon credentials from the system. I also had a bad experience with eBay awhile back, and don't use them anymore, either. I've gotten so where if I can't get it locally, I do without it.

I would, too, if I had issues like that - but so far we've been doing well with Amazon Prime (my wife loves it!)

Lawyer: One who calls a 140 page document a brief. :P

Never understood that one! Until I realized it's a lawyer -- it's probably an abbreviated version of the full 2,300 pages he would've written otherwise.

We buy the AA in boxes of 128 -- all laid out when open, & easy to pick
out as needed -- nice & neat to put away until needed. Got the same in
AAA recently, as we use both.

I've got more AA than AAA, but you never see an A or B battery...but you
have C and D. Then, you have the other small circular batteries for things like hearing aids.

One comic suggested they got rid of the B batteries because when you go ask the store clerk for some "B batteries" he thinks you're stuttering & asks, "I understand you want some batteries. . what SIZE of batteries do you need?"

Speaking of which, that reminds me of the joke where the old woman in
church tells her husband "I just let an SBD fart!!", and her husband told
her "Gladys, I told you that you need to change the batteries in your
hearing aids!!". :P

&, the woman who said her farts didn't make noise nor a smell.

Her husband, "Chang the battery in y our hearing aid, & I'm making you an appointment to see the doctor about your clogged sinuses."

We have that forehead thermometer, too. . . I gave up on the cheapo
portable fans, as they no longer have the reservoir ones where you can
spritz yourself with water through the fan, making as nice spray on
your sauteeing face.

That small neck fan does the job for me, especially at night. I don't
have it blowing directly on my face, but passing air (that sounds risque, doesn't it? <G>) to the rest of my anatomy.

We bought a room air conditioner from Amazon that's working very well. . . I have it set to 23C (~76F)

There was a study done where it was determined that everyone farts...
from as little as 15 times a day, to as much as 20 times an hour!! I
wonder how much of our tax money was spent to determine that?? But, I
also heard they were going to do a study on second hand flatulence; yet
they couldn't get any volunteers. :P

Who says it was a government-funded study? Maybe the makers of BEAN-O commissioned it. .

I saw a post on FB of Twitter screenshots where women were talking
about how much they love their man's colon -- the musky manly smell
especially. . .

Ewwww!! That takes brown noseing (sp?) and face farts to a whole new
level. :P

I didn't know face farts were a thing, at any level. . . (ick)

... "AEIOUEIAUO" - sorry, I have uncontrolled vowel movements.

At least it cured your consonation, eh?

--- BBBS/Li6 v4.10 Toy-6
* Origin: The Rusty MailBox - Penticton, BC Canada (1:153/757)

George,

I would, too, if I had issues like that - but so far we've been doing
well with Amazon Prime (my wife loves it!)

I couldn't afford the monthly fee, and I hadn't ordered much from them.
When they chewed me out about one of my reviews, I deleted my logon items,
and all their messages. So like with eBay, I won't buy from them again.

Never understood that one! Until I realized it's a lawyer -- it's
probably an abbreviated version of the full 2,300 pages he would've written otherwise.

And, look at all the mammoth bills in government. No wonder The Lorax
(aka from Dr. Seuss), was lamenting the loss of all the trees.

One comic suggested they got rid of the B batteries because when you go ask the store clerk for some "B batteries" he thinks you're stuttering
& asks, "I understand you want some batteries. . what SIZE of
batteries do you need?"

I guess so.

Her husband, "Chang the battery in y our hearing aid, & I'm making you
an appointment to see the doctor about your clogged sinuses."

And, he had better do it for both, post haste.

We bought a room air conditioner from Amazon that's working very well.
. . I have it set to 23C (~76F)

I leave the central air to 75 in the summer, and 72 in the winter.

Who says it was a government-funded study? Maybe the makers of BEAN-O commissioned it. .

Probably.

I didn't know face farts were a thing, at any level. . . (ick)

Banality in the purest sense of the word.

... "AEIOUEIAUO" - sorry, I have uncontrolled vowel movements.

At least it cured your consonation, eh?

But my face
Going to town.
It always shows
My eyes are brown.

Daryl

... The vegetable never taken aboard ship is a leek.
=== MultiMail/Win v0.52
--- SBBSecho 3.15-Win32
* Origin: The Thunderbolt BBS - Little Rock, Arkansas (1:2320/33)

George,

I would, too, if I had issues like that - but so far we've been doing
well with Amazon Prime (my wife loves it!)

I couldn't afford the monthly fee, and I hadn't ordered much from them.
When they chewed me out about one of my reviews, I deleted my logon items, and all their messages. So like with eBay, I won't buy from them again.

What was their beef with your review?

I leave the central air to 75 in the summer, and 72 in the winter.

You'll save money by having it higher -- my wife finds my room cold at 23, after entering from the rest of the house--but going down to 78 from 100 is healthier than going into 75, or 68 as many in California keep it. . .

Not fun that Cali uses up more electricity than anyone else, while claiming to be ecologically superior to the rest of the country(& world)

hmmm, a topic:

Strippers don't have air conditioners in their houses. They have OnlyFans.

Q: Why didn't the air conditioner buy tickets to the Metallica concert? A: Because it isn't a fan

I was pretty mad when the air conditioner stopped working... I lost my cool.

Q: What do computers and air conditioners have in common? A: They both become useless after opening windows.

TAFGLINE THEFT OPPORTUNITY ALERT
... A good air conditioner is worth its weight in cold ... Like humans, air conditioners get turned on when itÆs hot.

I finally told my hot coworker how I felt. Turns out she felt the same way.

So I turned on the air conditioning.

--- BBBS/Li6 v4.10 Toy-6
* Origin: The Rusty MailBox - Penticton, BC Canada (1:153/757)

George,

What was their beef with your review?

Apparently, they're like some of these hotels, that will charge you
more, or throw you out early, if you leave a bad review.

You'll save money by having it higher -- my wife finds my room cold at
23, after entering from the rest of the house--but going down to 78
from 100 is healthier than going into 75, or 68 as many in California keep it. . .

If I get too warm, I get queasy. I've got a small portable fan that runs
on AA batteries that I can wear around my neck overnight, or if power is
out.

Not fun that Cali uses up more electricity than anyone else, while claiming to be ecologically superior to the rest of the country(&
world)

They're wanting to get rid of gasoline cars, but they don't want folks charging their electric cars. So, I guess they want everyone to stay home.

Q: What do computers and air conditioners have in common? A: They both become useless after opening windows.

That is true.

I finally told my hot coworker how I felt. Turns out she felt the same way.

So I turned on the air conditioning.

LOL.

Daryl

... The views that are expressed in this message aren't mine.
=== MultiMail/Win v0.52
--- SBBSecho 3.15-Win32
* Origin: The Thunderbolt BBS - Little Rock, Arkansas (1:2320/33)

If I get too warm, I get queasy. I've got a small portable fan that runs
on AA batteries that I can wear around my neck overnight, or if power is
out.

Good plan; I have a larger battery operated fan on my desk here that also has a water reservoir, so I can spritz a bit on my face while the fan is blowing. . .

For travel, when in my wheelchair, I have a handheld portable operated by squeezing the handle a few times. (saves on batteries)

Not fun that Cali uses up more electricity than anyone else, while
claiming to be ecologically superior to the rest of the country(&
world)

They're wanting to get rid of gasoline cars, but they don't want folks charging their electric cars. So, I guess they want everyone to stay home.

Then there's nobody to go to the fields & pick lettuce, so they hire the Mexicans to come up & do it, & nobody wants that either -- that's okay, SoCal, starve -- then EVERYONE can look like a model or actress!

... The views that are expressed in this message aren't mine.

Nor mine

Mother: What shall we name him?

Father: His name is Mike.
(drops baby)

I apologize for this wall of text, I didn't know where I should cut out parts because they're all relevant to the story. Sorry again.

Hey TFR people! So for background, I work at a kiosk in a mall where I repair cracked phones and do other mind numbing work that I can now probably do in my sleep. I've been doing this job for a little over two years and can fix an iPhone, for example, in about 15 minutes. I apologize for the wall of text. Anyway, this story happened last night.

So, a family of three walk up (mother, father and daughter) but only the father spoke to me and this is where conversation starts. Note: When I was handed this girls phone she had a case with this image on it and was already about to laugh. Customer will be C and I of course will be Me.

C: How much does it cost to fix my daughters phone and can it be fixed?

Me: Oh it's very repairable, after tax and labor, it comes to $xxx.xx.

C: Do it

Fuck, he's one of these guys...

Me: Alright then, I just need a name and signature on this disclaimer we have.

At this point, I've taken their phone and am prepping to work on it.

C: Do I have to use my real name?

PAUSE Now, over the 2+ years I've worked here, I have never heard this question. So I was kind of taken by surprise by it. For a minute, I thought he was one of those paranoid people. PLAY

Me: Um.. Well I guess you don't have to. It's preferred since we can look you up in our system faster later.

C: Oh ok.

I turn back around and start to use my tools on the phone when customer guy throws me another curve ball question.

C: Can my daughter still play the piano when this is done?

I manage to turn and see him smirking a little and go back to his serious poker face so I pick up that he's joking.

Me: Well I would hope so. Slight laughter

C: Oh ok great! She's never even touched one before so it's good to hear her skill won't change in the slightest.

I'm on the verge of outright laughing at this point. I manage to hold it back and finish my repair. I snap her grumpy cat case back on, hand her phone back when she mentions the home button isn't working.

Oh that's an easy fix

Me: Ah, don't worry. Give me one second and I'll have that fixed.

C: One. Try it now "Insert girls name"

Me: Haha well I haven't done what I need to yet.

I pull out a giant clear bag half full of spare parts.

C: Holy shit man!

I burst out laughing at this point. I take what I need and fix her home button. Afterwards, I just ask for a signature to confirm they are satisfied with the repair and that they picked up their phone. While he does this (It's taking an oddly long time to just sign his name) I tell him how much it'll be again, take the paperwork from him so I can do the usual "Have a good night Mr. so and so." I briefly glance at the document so I can catch his last name. He's already handing me the cash by now and this is where I lost it.

Me: Alright, that'll be $xxx.xx. Thank you and you have a good night Mr. Duck.

I'm looking at this man dead in the eyes at this moment when my voice trails off as I finished my sentence. I look back at the paper to make sure I read it right. Lo and behold, there it was.. "Donald Duck." He had tried to sign as Donald Duck before, messed up, scribbled it out and wrote "Thank you!" instead. I'm so close to laughing. I can feel it building up but I have to play on this.

Me: Sir, I'm going to have to hold you here while I call mall security.

Completely taken aback by this

C: What?! Why?!

Me: Sir, I've met Donald Duck. He's a giant duck in a sailor type getup with no pants. He works and lives in Florida. You are no Donald Duck. I have reason to believe you have stolen his identity. I'm holding back so much right now because I want to make it seem serious.

C: FUCK! He's onto us!

I fucking lost it when he said that. The daughter is facepalming, the mother is just standing there with a "what the fuck?" look on her face as the father hauls ass out of there and rounds the nearest corner. I'm nearly on the floor laughing by now. I still haven't rung them up at this point and when I calm down I look at the wife.

Me: I've never laughed so hard in the entire time I've worked here. I'm discounting this sale by $35 (this is the most I can take off. Some of it being the labor fee that gives me commission). Y'all are the best customers I've ever had.

She thanks me starts laughing and takes her still facepalming daughter with her.

TL;DR Had a customer who stole Donald Ducks' Identity.

--- BBBS/Li6 v4.10 Toy-6
* Origin: The Rusty MailBox - Penticton, BC Canada (1:153/757)